Inside My Mind

Heaven on Earth

2008-10-09T16:48:00.001-07:00

It is the only way to describe all that we are seeing and experiencing. The Big Tree, appropriately named as we could not see the top of the tree from the bottom. It may be the biggest tree I have ever seen. It was HUGE. So large that Paul took a video of the tree since a picture would not have done it justice. Facebook is where you can find the pictures.

We went to Eureka but it was not all that is was hyped to be. That's okay though. I still had fun. We even found a very nice and clean laundromat to do a couple of loads so that we would have clean clothes for the rest of the trip. The Samoa Cookhouse was what it was supposed to be. The food was very good except for cream of cabbage soup. I am allergic to cabbage and the smell of the soup was getting to me when we left. Who heard of cream of cabbage soup anyway?

Today was a totally wandering carefree day. We walked on the beach, drove to different places, sat at the only Starbucks we have seen since we got to California. That is really weird since there seems to be an espresso stand on every corner in Hillsboro. Paul and I tried the count the number of Starbucks within three minutes of the house and we lost count. We sat out in the wind and cold and read and relaxed in the sun. Yes, the sun has been out all week long. The weather has been beautiful tomorrow.

No plans for tomorrow yet. We leave on Saturday and will be taking an out of the way trip to the Bigfoot Museum. I can't wait. Once again, I thank God for all He has created. We live in a beautiful world and it easy to forget with the day in and day out of life. I really need to do this vacation thing more often.

Love to all.

The Redwood National Forest

2008-10-07T14:08:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how to begin to describe all the beautiful and breathtaking things I have seen. The drive here was amazing. We have been to the Trees of Mystery where we took a gondola ride to the top of some redwoods. At the observation platform, we could see mountains and trees on one side and the Pacific Ocean on the other. We took some picture while there and I am trying to get the pictures uploaded on Facebook. We drove the Avenue of the Giants. I have never seen trees of this size. They are truly magnificent. The Founders Tree was almost 345 feet tall and the first limbs did not start until 200 feet up. I felt as close to God there as anywhere else I have ever been. I walked through those trees with Paul and we both felt the peace and the significance of what we were seeing.

And today, we went to an aquarium that was sure to be a cheesy tourist trap but Paul took me because it was my birthday and I wanted to go. Pictures and movies to be uploaded next connection. I had the opportunity to pet a shark, a leopard shark. I was so velvety and plush. If you ever get the chance, take it. And then, a special treat was offered. They brought the female sea lion, Red, on to the deck with us. That sea lion kissed me on both cheeks, a once in a lifetime event.

The birthaverisary is going well. I am having a great time on my birthday and our anniversary. God has truly blessed us with a wonderful world. Take a moment today to appreciate the world that God created for us. Love to all.

Loss

2008-09-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

Christy lost her fight against ovarian cancer on Wednesday. I had been to see her and she died about an hour after I left. Christy was a special girl friend. We had something unique. I have only had a few friendships like this in my life. They are hard to come by so when death takes it away, the hole is huge. I literally feel like there is a hole in my chest that everyone can now see through.

I miss her.

Relay for Life

2008-06-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

I did it! With God's and Paul's help, I did it. I walked in the Relay for Life for 2 hours. I worked in the concession stand. I sold baked goods at our tent. I sat with Lori and learned more about her and had a great time. Christy came. She walked in the survivor lap. I was so proud of her. I walked and remembered. It was dark the first time I walked. It was eerie as the luminaria were let and I remembered Mom and Jimmy and Christy and Ralph. And even Butterball.

It was inspiring to see the people out there walking for whatever reason they had. Our team earned the Gold Award. We were the second top fundraiser, our little team of 12. And some of our team didn't collect much or didn't participate. Paul became a defacto team member just so he could walk. And he walked with me. We are both tired but I accomplished something I set out to do that I knew would be hard and that I would need God's strength for. I made it. I may hurt now, hurt bad. I did it and that is all that matters now. I did what was hard. I didn't take the easy way out and just donate. I didn't take the easy way and just come for my walking times. I came and I did what I had to do to help us be successful. It was my little miracle.

Thanks be to God, the Father for giving me the strength to do what I thought I could not do. Thank you!

Lots of 4's

2008-05-30T09:27:00.001-07:00

I got tagged by Doctor Dad for this one and it looked like fun. Four of this and four of that can make for interesting reading.

4 Jobs I've Held:
1. Waitress
2. Yogurt Slinger
3. Office Manager
4. Human Resources Business Partner

4 Movies I've Watched Over and Over Again:
1. Lord of the Rings Trilogy (the entire thing)
2. The Day After Tomorrow
3. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (My favorite of all of them still)
4. Planet of the Apes (the Charlton Heston version not that newer one)

4 Places I've Been:
1. Disney World
2. Niagra Falls
3. Baseball Hall of Fame
4. The glorious Oregon Coast

4 Places I've Lived:
1. Winter Park, Florida
2. Statesboro, GA
3. Columbus, OH
4. Beaverton, OR

4 TV Shows I Watch:
1. Bones
2. Crossing Jordan
3. Dr. Who
4. Battlestar Galactica

4 Radio Shows I Listen To:
1. Car Talk
2. Lake Wobegon
2. Thistle and Shamrock

4 Things I Look Forward To:
1. Cuddling Paul
2. Time with the rest of the family
3. Reading
4. Sabbatical

4 People I email regularly:
1. Paul
2. Sister
3. Co-workers
4. Long lost friends

4 People to Tag:
1. Ken
2. Pete
3. David
4. Larry

Life goes on...

2008-05-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

Not much happening in Hillsboro these days. We mostly go to work and come home and then do it all again the next day. On the weekends, we get to sleep in and then play. Last week we went to see "Iron Man" at the movies and it was terrific. It was a nice treat even if the movies are getting very expensive to go see.

Next week, I go in for a hysterectomy. They are doing laparscopically which is pretty cool. I will spend two weeks at home and that is about it. Not a big deal. Just something that needed to be done and now is as good a time as any.

The family is doing okay. I am not sure my mom is ever going to get over Tom's death. She struggles to maintain a weight of 98 pounds. She hardly eats anymore. She just looks so frail, like if you hug her, you might break her. She needs to see a therapist but she won't. They have tried grief counseling but I don't know how good it is. Part of it is that my dad doesn't really miss Tom all that much and I think that upsets my mom more than anything else.

This weekend Paul and I are going to play cards with another couple. I am working on getting us some sort of social lite. We are both such homebodies. It is taxing to go out but we will do it and we will have fun!!!

Well, gotta go.

Love to all.

Les Miserable

2008-04-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Larry has been working on his part as the villian in Les Miserable the last couple of months. We finally got to see the production last Saturday. It was put on by a company called Staged! here in the Portland area. It was awesome. I laughed. I cried. Larry was simply amazing if you don't mind a step-mother saying so. The people sitting next to us just loved him. When I told them he was my stepson, they said I must be so proud. They are right.

I just can't describe how much different this show was than all the others he has done. This cast was dedicated to making this work. It was a more professional show. All of the actors did a terrific job. Jean Valjean was stunning in his work. The entire show was in song. It was more like an opera but I could understand the words. :-) So, yes it was the best show he has been in by far.

And the day is not far away when Larry goes to the Czech Republic. He decided on Chicago for school and I am not sure how I feel about that. I know it will be great for him but he will be so far away. I know I am going to cry like a baby when he heads off to school. I love him like he is my own child. He is a fine young man. I like to think I had some influence there.

Well, gotta run. Love to all.

Piglet? Me?

2008-04-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am a Piglet? I didn't know I was a Piglet.

Your Score: Piglet

You scored 13 Ego, 15 Anxiety, and 11 Agency!

"It's a little Anxious," he said to himself, "to be a Very Small Animal Entirely Surrounded by Water. Christopher Robin and Pooh could escape by Climbing Trees, and Kanga could escape by Jumping, and Rabbit could escape by Burrowing, and Owl could escape by Flying, and Eeyore could escape by -- by Making a Loud Noise Until Rescued, and here am I, surrounded by water and I can't do anything."

You scored as Piglet!

ABOUT PIGLET: Piglet is a Very Small Animal, who used to live in his own house, a nice big tree. However, after Owl's house was blown over by a storm, he "found" Piglet's house, and Piglet didn't want to tell him that the home was already lived in. So he went to live with Pooh.

WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT YOU: You are a rather nervous person, and you tend to worry about The Worst happening. You don't really feel capable of dealing with the things that life could throw at you, and so you tend to fret about it. You are one of those people who seems to think that worrying actually accomplishes something... and your friends can't help but love you for it. Your humble manner and self-deprecating ways make your friends feel good about themselves. They want to help and protect you.

Your loving friends are always trying to encourage you to be more independent, and they are right. You need to develop a bit of self confidence and stand on your own two feet.

Link: The Deep and Meaningful Winnie-The-Pooh Character Test written by wolfcaroling on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(wolfcaroling)

Tagged again but this time for music...

2008-02-25T09:08:00.000-08:00

What if you had a $100 gift card to the music store of your choice, what would you buy??

Well, see, I almost have $100 at Amazon.

Awake by Josh Groban (9.99)
Noel by Josh Groban (9.99)
James Taylor Live by James Taylor (22.99)
A Love Song Collection by Kenny Rogers (14.99)
Almost There by Mercy Me (9.99)
Celtic Reflections: Misty-Eyed Morning by John Whelan (?)

That's all for now. I would have to save the rest.

I tag Ken, Father-san, nephews Chris and Nathan, David, Annie and Pete.

Tag

2008-02-25T08:41:00.001-08:00

The Rules:
-Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more. (No cheating!)
Find Page 123.
Find the first 5 sentences.
Post the next 3 sentences.
Tag 5 people.

So the closest book is The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman.
Page 123.

"But this actually stimulates American exports. There is a variety of studies indicating that every dollar a company invests overseas in an offshore factory yields additional exports for its home country, because roughly one-third of global trade today is within multi-national companies. It works the other way as well."

Well, that is entertaining if you know what he is talking about.

So, it is my turn to tag:
I tag nephew Chris, brother-in-law Pete, sister-in-law Annie, Father-san and my husband, if he would just get a blog already.

It has been FOREVER

2008-02-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I last blogged. I know part of it has to do with my hand. I had hand surgery in December to fix my arthritic thumb so that I could use it again. The receovery has been very slow. I have been under severe typing restrictions and have not been able to do anything but my job for some time. It makes blogging a nightmare. Work hasn't been a piece of cake either though. We are in the busy season for human resources at Intel. I have been under a lot of stress.

The conference that I worked on for 8 months finally came to an end the last week of January. It went very well and we received very high marks from the surveys. At Intel, we survey just about everything. We even survey surveys. It is a little bit nuts. At any rate, our senior leaders were happy and I had the chance to meet with most of them over the two days.

Focal is in full swing. You may remember that Focal is what we call the annual performance review process at Intel. Employees are rated and given raises based on their performance. We do the entire company at one time. You can imagine that it causes just a bit of work for HR.

My friend, Christy, who has a very rare form of cancer is not doing well. I pray for her, think about her and wish I could do something to make her better. It is so frustrating to sit by and watch as your best friend is losing the battle against this awful disease. She has kept positive throughout the ordeal but it is wearing on her. I don't know what to do and I feel frustrated and helpless.

Sorry to have missed David's wedding. The busy season means no travel for us. It sounds like a good time was had by all. It would have been nice to see the family again. Speaking of seeing people, I am planning my sabbatical that comes this year. That's right. I get two months of paid time off to just recharge the batteries. I think there may be some travel in my future this fall.

Well, I better get back to work.

Love to all.

What a glorious Thanksgiving this will be

2007-11-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

I have so very much to be thankful for, family and friends, love, a job, health (I'm not dying so that is good :-) ) and many more things. But God sent me a very loud message this year. This year I will be giving thanks to the wonders He creates. You might remember that my best friend has Stage IV ovarian cancer. I talked to her today and it is a miracle, a real miracle. She is halfway through her chemotherapy and most of the cancer has been eradicated. Stage IV ovarian cancer is almost always fatal. My heart has been torn as I did not want her to die. She is a very good soul and my dearest friend. And today, God said, "Louise, here is a miracle. Know me. Know what I can do. Today is your miracle." I want to burst at the seams with joy. I want to cry out that miracles still happen every day on this planet. Believe and you will be set free. Today, I am reminded of God's power and His love. I have come back to a place that I never should have left. I pray that I never wander again.

I love all of you! You are wonderful to me and are one of my many blessings. This family is terrific. I only hope that you know just how special you all are.

Happy Thanksgiving!

October is rushing by

2007-10-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

I can't keep track of October since so much has happened. Between work and home and tai chi, I feel like I live in a whirlwind right now. I don't know where that quiet life I am used to has gone.

The month started off on day 1 with me having to undergo an angiogram. I tell you the doctor had me wound up tighter than a clock spring. He put me on nitroglycerin over the weekend while I waited for the angiogram. What does it turn out to be? A congenital heart defect where one of my blood vessels actually dips into the heart muscle itself instead of staying on top. All that stress and worry over something I have no control over.

October 4 was interesting but I can't remember why. I must be blocking that day out. On October 6, we started Tai Chi class. I was able to keep up with 90 minutes of exercise as we learned the first few movements of our 24 form Tai Chi. There is a website about it somewhere but I don't know where. My parents also came into town that day. I was exhausted.

On the 7th, we got up and went to brunch with the folks at Marie Callenders. We then took them to Portland's International Test rose garden. The view over the city is spectacular as well as the wide array of roses. My parents were duly impressed. We then went to Larry's show where he as absolutely awesome as Cat. My parents finally got to meet Larry. And then we went out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary at McGrath's Fish House.

On the 8th, we were off to the coast. Dad said the drive reminded him of West Virginia. You could tell how happy it was making him. When they saw the mountains drop off into the Pacific, they were awestruck. They couldn't imagine it even though I had sent pictures and described it for them. We stopped in Cannon Beach and then drove down to Tillamook and back.

Finally, the 9th started off slow. We went shopping for a little bit, had some lunch and went to the movie. I can't remember the name of the movie, probably because I fell asleep in it and slept for almost the entire two hours. It was a depressing movie anyway.

Then they were off for Colorado on Wednesday. I slept all of Wednesday afternoon. I tried to cram five days of work into two days. That doesn't always work. More Tai Chi. More headaches and more headaches and more headaches. The cycle is not in my favor right now.

So, that's October. I am hoping for a slowing down but it isn't going to happen soon. My best friend has stage 4 ovarian germ cell tumors. On Saturday, we are doing to Dinner's Ready to prepare some meals for her and the hubby. I don't know what else to do for her. It is very sad.

Well, I better get back to work before they realize I am slacking over my lunch.

Love to all.

There's a lot inside my mind this week

2007-09-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

I certainly do appreciate all that I have in this life. I have the world's best husband, a loving family, great friends, a good job, a nice roof over my head, good food on the table, and the grace of the Father. And inside my mind and heart, I know all of this. It is what gets me through the days of fighting this depression. Depression as an illness is hard for me to explain. There are no pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. If that were possible, I would be happy all the time. I am good at the bootstraps. And still you fight the disease hoping to win the battle. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life to its fullness. And those brain chemicals just keep staying unbalanced. If I could control my depression, I would do it. I wish it were that simple but it just isn't. And so life goes on.

My physical health is just not right these days. The doctors decided that I need to be on an event monitor to monitor my heart for the next 30 days. They have stress tested me. They have poked and prodded. I have enough needle marks to make people wonder how I could be such a klutzy drug user. It just stinks right now. And my right hand, well, it needs major surgery if I want to be able to use it. Thanks. I know that someday all will be well again. I know I will come out of this slump. I always have before. It is just depressing to me.

I am looking forward to seeing my parents. They are coming out to Portland on October 6. We have plans for them as well. I want them to see why I think this is such beautiful country. It is so beautiful here and I do love being here. I think I would love being anywhere as long as Paul was there with me. This is their first ever trip to Oregon. There is so much to see and to do but I don't want to wear them out completely. Wish me luck!

Oh, just so you know, I do know there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I just can't always see it. :-)

Cool light-weight nerd

2007-09-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

My best friend

2007-09-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

My best girl friend has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Because it is widespread, they do not know for sure what kind of cancer it is yet. We are still waiting on word from the doctors. I am not particularly fond of her doctors and their lack of communication with her. I say we because I am going through this by her side. I get just as anxious and worried as she does. I know that I am more depressed than she is over this. I also know because it is the numbers of people I love that have died in the last two years. Someone told me that I will get accustomed to it as time goes by and I get older. I think 42 is very young to be use to this already.

Have I told you that being in HR stinks at times? I had a very hard termination to walk a manager through last week and this. I knew it was the right thing but my heart was strained over it. For the most part I love my job. And then there are times when I absolutely think I can't go it anymore. Nobody ever tells you in advance that there will be times that your head must override your heart. Bah!

Other than that, life is good. My computer screen just turned all pink. Pink is a lovely color, don't you think? This is a nice bright pink. It looks like a fluorescent Pepto-Bismol. I have a feeling this it not a good thing since I can't get it to go back to white. Gotta go.

Finally, a test about my grammar pet peeves

2007-09-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct.

It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors.
If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs.
As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human.
And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

What a nice weekend

2007-09-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

It is great to have Dad with us. Things have been very relaxed and unplanned. That is how I live my life so I am glad Dad is okay with it. We had a very nice trip to Mt. St. Helens. She was steaming good and this it the first time I could see the steam from Johnston Ridge. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous.

Will, Karyn and the boys came over yesterday. We had a good time eating and talking. I had made a new dessert recipe, key lime cake. It is tart! It pairs well with vanilla ice cream. It was a very easy recipe and I will probably make it again some time. I wonder if Paul and Dad have left me any.

Relaxation therapy begins tonight. I can't wait. This is something I have been looking forward to as relaxing is the only way I am going to sleep peacefully. I had the worst dream on Sunday night. I dreamed that my father had died and I woke up with tears running down my cheek. It was so real to me and hard not to believe. The dream precipitated a call to my parental units yesterday to make sure that all was well.

Work is quiet today. It is kind of weird for it to be this quiet. I think it is the calm before the storm. With any luck, I'll actually get out of here on time today.

Happy trails...

2007-08-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

Wood type: rosewood
Length: 11 inches
Core: Unicorn Hair

get your own wand!

Rosewood:
Rosewood wands are rare because these wands tend to be very picky. A Rosewood wand tends to choose one who has a deep inner peace or spirituality, which considering it excels at Love charms is probably a good thing. Rosewood wands are also good for healing magic as well.

Unicorn Hair:
Unicorn Hair is best for those with pure intentions, and is almost never wielded by someone intending to use their wand for evil purposes. Especially good for love, defense and healing magic.

And then there were two

2007-08-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

Two sisters, lost without their brother. Reliving the pain of his loss even as we attempt to celebrate his life. His birthday looming on the horizon. Two days away, two very long days. He would have been 46, the oldest of us. Now, my sister and I share the duties of the oldest child. And I think of the two who lost their son, their only son. Do you suppose that God felt the same when he sent his son to die for our sins? And I think of the twins, two that have lost their UTC. They loved UTC very much. Will they understand the grief of the twos? They love UP too but had a special connection with UTC. It is a day of twos. The twos will all survive but they will hurt and they will grieve. And then there were two.

How has it been so long

2007-08-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

I have been quiet and it doesn't mean I don't have anything to say. It does mean that I haven't known how to sit down and put it into words. There has been a lot on my mind. Tom's birthday is August 25 and I get anxious just thinking about it. He will have been gone 7 months on his birthday. Somedays it seems like just yesterday that I got that phone call. Today is one of those days. The pain is fresh and new today. I am giving myself time to feel these emotions in hope that the day will come when they aren't as strong. But I am also giving myself the right to be happy, to find joy in the small things and the big things in life.

The best part of my life is always Paul. He brings such laughter and joy. I noticed the other day that we have formed our own language. It makes sense to no one but us. I accidentally used one of our words the other day and everyone looked at me as if I were insane. I just smiled and started over. We have been going to the movies this summer. We have seen Harry Potter (of course), Stardust, Bourne Ultimatum and a few others. I have enjoyed them all. Larry came down last weekend and went to see Stardust with us. He wasn't thrilled at the choice but came out of the movie theatre glad that he had gone.

Work has kept me very busy. I have been in more training classes than I can handle with still more to come. It has been enlightening but then working in Human Resources is enlightening. Some of the employee issues have earned nick names so that I can keep them straight. Did you know that some people think it is perfectly okay to disappear from work for a week or more and not tell anyone where they were? I have had my fill of those cases.

I was exposed to viral spinal meningitis this week. Great. I am ignoring the headache, pain and stomach ails. The doctor can't do anything for me if I have it so why bother going. I am at home taking it easy with my log of work. I had meningoccoal meningitis when I was 14. Now, that was awful. I could just have a regular old virus too. Who knows? If it gets worse, I will call the doctor's office.

I have read some books this summer as well. Harry Potter was by far my favorite one. My therapist just recommended another one for me too. She is beginning to understand what goes on in my mind. I don't know which of us is scared more by this prospect. I think she is. I have to trust her when she says that I am making significant progress and am working hard.

Love to all.

Mystic

2007-07-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

You are a Mystic, known for your imaginative, intuitive spirituality. You value peace, harmony, and inner silence. Mystics are nurtured by walking alone in the woods or sitting quietly with a trusted friend. You may also enjoy poetry, meditation, wordless prayer, candles, art, books, and anything else that helps you connect with God.

Mystics experience God best through rich images and symbols. You are contemplative, introspective, intuitive, and focused on an inner world as real to you as the exterior one. Hearing from God is more important to you than speaking to God. Others may attribute human characteristics to God, but you see God as ineffable, unnamable, and more vast than any known category. You are intrigued by God's mystery.

Mystics want to inspire and persuade others, and need to live lives of significance. At times you push the envelope of spirituality, helping the rest of us imagine who we might become if we followed your lead.

Sometimes you may feel a bit guilty about your need for solitude and silence. If so, you probably have bought into the American myth that says being alone and doing nothing is lazy, antisocial, and unproductive. Stop it -- now. Give yourself permission to retreat and be alone. It's essential for your well-being.

On the other hand, don't get so carried away retreating that you become a recluse. That only deprives the world of your gifts and deprives you of the lessons that come from being with others. Some Mystics may have a true vocation for solitary prayer, but the rest of you need to alternate retreat time with involvement and interaction.

Famous Mystics:

Thomas Merton | Enya | John (the Gospel writer)
Brother Lawrence (Practicing the Presence of God)
Desert mothers and fathers | Charlie Brown
Sister Wendy | Phoebe Buffay | Julian of Norwich
Luke | Anthony de Mello | The Who

Hyphen

2007-06-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

Your Score: hyphen

You scored 38% Sociability and 58% Sophistication!

You are comfortable around others. While you don't have to go out every night, yet you take pride in being easy to get along with. This should not, however, be misconstrued as believing (as many do) that you are without subtlety. In fact, you have the power to inform the anal retentive that, indeed, they are discussing an anal-retentive issue. Who else can do that? Quotation marks intimidate you a little bit.

What is going through my mind

2007-06-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I am grappling with issues that are scary for me. I might as well get them out and see how it goes.

First, Rod, Leigh's husband and father to Casey and Mandy, has been diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. More tests need to be run but the preliminary diagnosis is that he has the same kind of muscular dystrophy that crippled my grandfather, my aunt, and my only two cousins. It is a devastating disease and I can't do anything to help. I pray and I beg for mercy for him. I have seen what that form of the disease can do and it is overwhelming to consider what my sister will be dealing with in the years to come. What makes it worse is that Mandy and Casey may both have it as well.

The bad news keeps coming and I am at the end of my rope here. Something has to change. Things have to get better.

In therapy this week, I reached a point where I have to deal with some unknown issues in my past. I don't know what they are and I am afraid of whatever it is. I have been hiding the memories and protecting myself for so long it is terrifying to contemplate even thinking about dealing with the issues. I am afraid. I am upset. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. But, I know I have to or I won't get better. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. Tears stream down my face as I write this. God, please help me deal with it. Ease my fear and my pain. Hold me in the palm of your hand. I can't do it without you and I can't do it without Paul. Please, God, hear my prayer. Have mercy on your child, Lord. Let me find peace.

Love to all.
Louise

And time marches on

2007-05-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

Time marches on bringing more news of loss. My aunt passed away on Monday. She had muscular dystrophy and had been bed-ridden for some time now. She developed pneumonia. When they took her to the hospital, the doctor was upfront and said she wasn't going to make it through this time.

So, the news came in on Saturday. They were going to take her off the ventilator on Saturday. And then it was Sunday. They finally disconnected the ventilator on Monday and she gently passed away.

Aunt Dotty was a very neat and special woman. Although she suffered greatly through her life, I can only remember smiles on her face. We had a special relationship due to some care giving I did for her mom, my grandma, after she had a stroke. I would send her flowers every once and awhile to cheer her day.

I miss her. I grieve for her. She is in a better place. I know that. But I miss her and I always will.

Love, hugs and flowers to all.

I can't believe it has been since March

2007-05-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

I didn't know that I had been away for so very long. I am in the process of healing. I am working very hard with my psychologist and with Paul to snap out of things. Mostly, I try to focus on the positive and stay away from the negative. Therapy is definitely helping these days. I don't know what I would do without it. I always feel comfortable there with whatever feelings I am having that day.

Paul and I have had a visitor to our house, Flat Stanley. Flat Stanley is a paper doll that was sent to us by my niece, Mandy. He came with instructions to send back information about Oregon. Well, Paul and I didn't think that sending just information was quite what we wanted to do. So, Flat Stanley has been going out places with us.

Flat Stanley went to the world's largest Costco, the Bonneville Dam, Multnomah Falls, and the fish hatchery. Flat Stanley went to work with me. Flat Stanley even took us to the coast and Newport. We went to the aquarium and to Devil's Punchbowl, Cape Foulweather, Depoe Bay and Lincoln City. Flat Stanley has had his picture taken at every spot we went. We are sending back brochures, kids activities, pictures, and movies of Flat Stanley. I know that Flat Stanley wants to go to Crater Lake too.

On are way to the coast, we stopped at the outlet mall in Lincoln City and remembered the last time Mom was there with us. And, we went to Cape Foulweather and looked at all the myrtlewood knowing it was her favorite. We stopped at the pottery store (a little house on a back road) and I felt the need to spend money there too. On the way home from the coast, Paul and I talked about how much Mom would have loved that weekend at the beach. We discussed how my brother never got out here to see what I know he would have loved. We did it without tears. We are healing. It is still hard to comprehend the losses we have suffered in the last year but we are healing.

Well, I better get back to work. Love to all from Paul, Louise and Flat Stanley

Quiet again

2007-03-09T07:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the last post was empty. Go figure. I post something that means something to me and it comes up blank. Well, who can tell with these things?

Quiet...the real post

I find myself withdrawing from people when I am depressed. I tend not to communicate at all except with Paul and my new psychologist. Quite frankly, it takes energy to put together coherent thoughts. Saturday was a real bad day. I never bothered to shower and get dressed and never really ate anything after breakfast. I think it was a follow-on to Friday's bad day. Is Focal over yet?

Sunday Paul took me to the coast. We went to Cannon Beach for a beautiful couple of hours driving and then sitting and talking and walking on the beach. The weather was beautiful and I felt the most relaxed I have felt since October 2005. Now, if I could just bottle the sounds, the smell, and the laughter and carry it around with me, that would be terrific. Paul turned into a pun-o-matic. You will have to ask him about sneaker waves and sand crabs.

So, Monday, I had an appointment with a new psychologist because I finally decided I needed help getting through this. It wasn't going to go away. My coping mechanisms had been overloaded and they blew a fuse. I cried for the entire hour that I was in that office. I felt like I could just let go and that it wouldn't overtake me. I can't do the same at home. I haven't cried like that in eons. I have finally started to grieve for Betty, Jimmy, Sandy, Laura, Tom and the other losses of Butterball and our home and the car I totaled. Didn't know I was attached to that car but I was.

I am not going to recover tomorrow or the next day but at least I have a plan now. I can see a glimmer of a path before me. I will get my bearings straight.

Love to all.

Quiet

2007-03-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

It's a crying day

2007-02-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

I had some horrible nightmares last night around people dying that were close to me. Wonder where that lovely one came from, don't you? But the worst one was that I had gone by to see Tom's grave and someone had defaced his grave marker. I woke up from that so sad and so angry. I have been tearful all morning because I think of him, cold and alone in that cemetery, and I just want to be there with him and my family. I don't want him to be alone anymore. I just can't see him in heaven today. I don't know why.

Today I want to grieve and I can't. Today work is a lot of stress and Focal is driving me crazy. I run reports and analyze data that isn't changing that should be. I don't understand some of the decisions that have been made. I think I am past my stress level.

Some day I will be better. I will be happier. I know it. It just isn't today.

I think I need a vacation

2007-02-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

No, I know I need a vacation. I feel like I am on a whirlygig in the middle of a hurricane. Work is very stressful right now. There just aren't enough hours in the day. My health is in the trash bin right now. The fibromyalgia is in full force flare so I am in pain, cranky and exhausted. My blood pressure was up to 154/110. It hasn't ever been that. My weight is on a 10 pound yo-yo. I am stressed, depressed and anxious. Someone get me out of here.

BTW, Happy Valentine's Day.

Who was Tom Crocker?

2007-02-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

He was my brother. Not everything was rosy between us. I don't have many happy memories with him. Those that I do have are a real hoot.

He was 9 when he figured out how to tap the phone trunk line for our neighborhood. He hooked up a phone and we listened to all the neighborhood phone calls that day. We only got caught when we asked our parents if they knew that our neighbors were getting divorced. We had to tell how we found out and that was the end of the gossip line.

He used to stage elaborate neighborhood plays. He would write, direct and produce the shows. We did disaster movies. We did one of the airport movies once and he arranged a magnificent crash of the "plane". Our parents were so very proud. The neighborhood parents actually paid to see that one.

One Thanksgiving when I was home from college, Tom woke me up wanting to make homemade donuts. He somehow talked me into getting into the kitchen with him and helping him. Helping Tom in the kitchen meant you were dedicated to cleaning up the mess he inevitably made. My mom's expression when she came down on Thanksgiving day and saw her kitchen in complete disarray was priceless. There was flour and powdered sugar everywhere. I cleaned it up in the interest of Mom's sanity.

Tom was a tormented man. He was mentally ill with a form of panic attacks and schizophrenia. He heard voices in his head all of the time. He would listen to everything really loud to drown out those voices. In his later years, he was never without his CD player and his Bible. I watched him and ached for him. I wanted him well and I wanted him happy and I couldn't do it. I never could. I grew up believing that he hated me. It was the only thing I could believe to rationalize his treatment of me. I now know that he loved me but couldn't show it. He was sick.

I heard my sister tell many stories of fun times they shared. She knew a different Tom than I did. I mourn for not only the loss of my brother but of our lost time as siblings. I hurt because I wanted those good times with him too. I was so jealous of my sister growing up. She had the relationship with Tom that I craved, that I prayed for every night.

Did Tom and I ever mend fences? Yes, we did. One day, he called and begged my forgiveness for the way he treated me as a child. And I asked his for staying away from home for so long because I didn't want to be around him. I didn't know how to love him as an adult. I never did. I loved him through prayers for his healing. I loved him through poetry and hope that someday he would be free from that which tormented him. Today, he is free but I want him back. I want my older brother back in my life so that we might have a fun time sharing life.

I don't know what I was expecting

2007-02-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

I prayed that 2007 would be better than 2006. I wanted a few months away from the loss that has filled my life in the last 14 months. I wanted time to heal. I wanted time. I wanted peace. I wanted some joy. And then Tom died.

I can't begin to express how devastating it is to lose your older brother to a sudden massive heart attack. I know you know what it is to lose a brother. It was the shock after no warning signs. He was scheduled to move into his new apartment the morning that he died. He was happy about starting life out on his own. He was experiencing joy for the first time in many, many years. And now, he is gone. And I don't know how to handle it.

Losing 3 family members, 2 friends and my cat all in 14 months. It is incomprehensible to me. None of these deaths were insignificant. Each one of these people had touched my life. And Butterball had given me great comfort as a pet. I just don't know how to go on anymore. I can't take anymore of this. There really is a time where you run out of strength and energy and this is it.

The doctor, having put me on an additional anti-depressant a few weeks ago, has now tripled that antidepressant to try and get me through this time of grief and despair. My blood pressure is way up. How much more can I take? How much more until I prove to God that there is a point where I don't have the strength to continue to go through this? Please, God, relieve me of this pain, give me that peace that passes all understanding. I can't do this on my own. I just can't.

I thank God everyday for Paul. I love him so much and I would not have lived the last 12 days without him by my side. I hurt so much. Please, make it stop.

Happy New Year?

2007-01-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I haven't said anything about the coming of the new year. Mostly, I sat down and thanked God that 2006 had come to an end. It was a very rough and stressful year for us. The loss of family, a home, and the loss of friends. It was a bad year and good riddance I say.

The new year has had a rough start. There was the loss of Laura that has overshadowed me. I was in Santa Clara this week and was acutely aware of the loss. She was an earthly angel who has gone home. Her loss sent me emotional stress levels over what I can tolerate at any one time. I am acutely aware that the depression is more than I can handle. It is manifesting itself in some disturbing ways.

So, I have started the hunt for a new doctor. I see him tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I am actually sick so I need to see a doctor. But I need his recommendation on something else. I have talked with Paul about what is going on and he agrees that my needs have outgrown the person I was seeing. I know that I can get through this with his help and with God's.

Focal season has begun at work. For those that don't remember, Focal is the time that Intel does performance reviews and raises for all of our employees worldwide. It is kind of like tax time for accountants, 95,000 people, rated on their performance and allotted money. :-) It's a marathon of numbers and manager coaching. It could be stressful but I am trying to relax through it all.

Love to all.
xoxoxoxox

The Expensive??

2007-01-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Milady the Most Honourable Louise the Expensive of Lardle St Earache
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

In loving memory

2006-12-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

Laura S Gerarge

Soul sister and friend. Died of sarcoma on December 25. She was more than a good friend to me. We often thought we were soul sisters, connected through time. She was the epitome of love. I would leave her singing voicemails just to make her laugh. I would call her just to hear her voice. She was all about love and caring and generosity. She was an earthly angel. I know that she watches over me even now. My soul sister is not lost she has moved on to another part of the journey. She will be there when I get there and I will recognize her always.

We shared a love of the Wizard of Oz and all things Oz related. We share a love of people and a sense of responsibility for things around us. I know that she knew that I loved her dearly. I never hesitated to let her know that I loved her and I am thankful for that. I will miss her terribly. More than a friend. Laura was a good, honest and gentle soul. This place will be lessened because of her absence.

Laura, sweetheart, you were the best friend a girl could have. I will miss those times when we got to "bond" at Pedros or even in the cafe. I will miss knowing that you are there when I come to town. You've gone home. I will meet you there someday. Love you.

Christmas baking time

2006-12-17T16:05:00.000-08:00

So, today I made a chocolate pound cake. I haven't made one in eons and I decided to make one for Christmas. Turns out that it may not make it to Christmas. Paul has been eyeing it rather closely. I splurged and bought that special baker's sugar and it seems have made a huge difference in the consistency of the batter. Only time will tell how good it is. It is still cooling in the kitchen. I can't wait to cut into it. I have been very good this year in regards to eating candy. We still have leftover Halloween candy in the house. Did I lose my sweet tooth?

The week turned out to be fairly busy with all of the Adopt-a-Family activities. We adopted two families in our group at work. Friday afternoon, Paul, Sheila and I went shopping to finish out the gifts for the families. Then Paul and I spent several hours yesterday wrapping presents. They are all piled up in the house waiting for delivery tomorrow along with the groceries. This is a favorite project of mine through the holiday's. I hope Dad doesn't mind that I spent the some of the money he sent on making Christmas better for families in need.

The power went out here last night. Turns out there was an explosion and fire at the substation and most of the county was without power. We talked in the dark and then went to bed early for a change. Paul's CPAP machine wasn't working so he didn't sleep as well. I slept pretty well.

Today has a been a beautiful day with great weather. It has been cold but not nearly as cold as Colorado and Montana. But in a rare show, the sun was out and we could open the blinds and let the light in.

Love to all.

I didn't make it to the gym

2006-12-13T13:57:00.000-08:00

So I didn't go swimming and I didn't get in the hot tub. I was in so much pain by the time that Paul came to get me that I had to take Vicodin just to get out to the car. It was excruciating and I knew I wouldn't be able to make the walk through the gym to get to the spa. That is just plain sad but true. So, I went home, stretched out and cuddled with Paul for 30 minutes and that made me feel better. That and the Vicodin was finally kicking in.

I watch "House" with great interest in his dependence on pain medication. There is a difference between addiction and dependence. House has moved to addiction. There are just days that I am dependent on pain medication the way a diabetic is dependent on insulin. I don't get the modern medical establishment. They would rather let people suffer in pain before risking taking a stand in defense of a patient that needs pain medication to survive the day. I don't need it everyday. I don't need it most days. But the days that I do need it, I don't want to have to fight with my doctor to get it. We treat animals better than we treat humans when it comes to pain management.

But that isn't why I am posting today. It is just an observation. Today has been a good day if you don't count the pain and we try to never count that since it is outside my circle of control. I have time at work to work on my personal development. I am taking a series of courses designed to aid me in getting my Professional HR certificate. I love learning new things although there are some fine details that I am finding harder to retain. Today's course was on sexual harassment. There are some very fine legal definitions that I struggled with in today's course. I guess I have to take another course to figure it out. Does that mean I failed sexual harassment? No. I got a 100% on the test but only by doing what I thought was the opposite of what I should answer. How's that for logic?

Larry is supposed to come over tonight. We haven't seen him in a while so we will take him out to dinner. He is harder to catch these days now that he is a working member of society. He works on the Portland Spirit being a bus boy. He likes his job and hopes to work his way up to server soon. The job caters to his performing schedule so that he can still make play practices. I look forward to seeing him. I will give him a hug from all of you.

Love to all.

I was going to share with you

2006-12-12T15:55:00.000-08:00

A blog I had sent to me about a young man in Tennessee whose wife died of a mysterious illness two weeks after she got sick. He has two young boys and blogged his way through the entire situation. His love for his wife was no less than any of us for our spouses. It was freakishly odd the similarities in the situation. Unfortunately, due to some negative commentary, he took his blog down. It was a love story of the best kind. I wanted his wife to live but I could not change the outcome.

I am running the Adopt-A-Family program at work for our group. We have adopted two families. We are nearing the end of the program and this years turnout has been fantastic! It is so much fun to shop for those less fortunate than yourself, to buy clothes and toys. It makes my heart fill with all the joy of the holidays. Besides that, I get to use more of my gift wrap so maybe Paul will consent to letting me buy more sometime. :-) Have I mentioned my obsessive behavior about gift wrap?

I am having headaches almost everyday right now. It usually means that the fibromyalgia is in full flare up. I can attest to the fatigue and the rest of the pain. Oddly enough, I don't find myself overly depressed which often accompanies a flare up of the old fibro. I think I will talk Paul into going to the spa tonight. A swim and a sit in the hot tub would be terrific. It might even make my headache disappear which is what I really want most of all.

Well, I am off to see about being off. Love to all.

Another day in a beautiful life

2006-12-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in sometime. I have been hibernating or something. Okay, really, I have been very sad and I tend to withdraw from everyone except Paul when that happens. I couldn't figure out why I was so very sad. I tried to remember this time last year and I can't. I ran our group's Adopt-A-Family program. I don't remember it. Nick just told me I did a great job but I don't remember it. I remember little more than sadness, stress and more sadness. I miss her still.

We had a great Thanksgiving with my family in Colorado. The weather was perfect. My niece and nephew played and played and played with me. I lost at Pretty, Pretty Princess again! :-) The black ring is evil, evil I tell you. The adults played poker, told jokes and laughed. It was a good Thanksgiving.

I have seen the hand specialist now. Turns out most of the doctors were partially right in some regard or another. I have broken off a bone spur which is probably my biggest point of pain. I have degenerative arthritis in the thumb joint. I have an aggravated and swollen muscle. So, what to do? We tried the last conservative measure which was a cortisone shot into my thumb. I am in a splint molded to my hand. I go back in six weeks. We are probably going to have to have surgery to have that broken spur removed or I will always be in pain. They may also need to try and clean up the joint and remove some of the inflammation. Oh well. God will take care of it.

We are decorated for Christmas. We had a nice visit from Will, Karyn, Caleb, Luke and Zack. Life is good. The depression remains my biggest trial but I will get through it and over it because life is good.

Love to all.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving. In all, it has been a rough year so I wanted to take the time to say the things I am thankful for since last Thanksgiving.

Mom didn't suffer a lot through her illness.
I walked away from a serious car accident with only an injury to my knee
I don't have cancer as confirmed in January
Butterball didn't suffer a lot before we made the incredibly hard decision to give him to God.
I got a terrific raise during Focal
My knee surgery went terrific and my recovery has been good.
Paul and I found us a nice place to live very close to work and everything we need.
Paul and I celebrated our 11th anniversary, just as much in love as the day we met. Paul is the biggest blessing in my life.
We were able to spend time with family when we needed to be there.
I was promoted and received yet another good raise.
I have the most terrific family, extended family and friends that one could ask for.
God watches over me everyday.
I still believe in angels and believe they are with me every single day.
Through all the sadness, all the tears, all the grief and all the pain, I found myself closer to God than ever before.
I love all my in-laws and out-laws. :-)

May God bless you. May you remember all the good things he pours into your life everyday. We can walk. We can see. We can hear. We are not poor. And we can love.

LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH!

I need a new doctor

2006-11-13T18:07:00.000-08:00

The saga with my right thumb continues. As you may recall, dear reader, I fractured the joint at the base of my thumb on Labor Day. I saw an urgent care doctor who put it in a splint and told me to see my regular doctor a week later. I do as told and my regular (read idiot here) doctor told me I didn't need the splint, didn't need a new x-ray and to stretch it and rub it and it would get better.

So, it really hasn't improved all that much and I had just been living with the pain. (Okay, this is where you can call me an idiot.) The last few weeks there has been a ridge developing at the base of my thumb that just kept getting bigger. So, I went to the regular (idiot) doctor today. What did he do? He put it in a splint and sent me for x-rays. They called the house while I was at work. I now need surgery. SURGERY! I am going for a second opinion with a hand specialist. This is nuts! Just what I need, a third surgery for the year. Blast it!

As if Tickle really knows...

2006-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

Silly, silly readers. We all know that Father-san is the wisest man we know. At least, I think of him as so. He knows so much more than I will ever know. He has seen more than I think I will ever see. And he has a way with words and feelings that I can't describe. Tickle can't capture that in an online test.

All is pretty quiet here. The transition into my new position is going slower than I would like. It seems as if extricating myself from a group I have been with for over three years is going to be harder than I anticipated. I will miss my old manager. She and I have a special relationship. We know each other so well. Change is hard. I know it is for the best but it is hard.

I have been fairly melancholy the last few days. I found a picture of my grandfather as we were hanging pictures. It is a picture of him when he was very young, long before I was a thought in his mind. I realized just how much I miss him in my life. I still want to pick up the phone and call him. Five years since he died and yesterday it felt like five days. He was my greatest hero, the greatest influence and a veteran. He fought in WWII in the European theatre. He landed on the beaches of Normandy. He survived and lived to tell me stories, all good ones. And as I mourned his loss again, I mourned the loss of everyone. There are no tears, just a wish that I could spend even 5 more minutes with them, to tell them again how much I loved them.

When I was 25, a friend named Ralph died of cancer on Election Day. His funeral was on Veteran's Day. As we were moving, I found a note he had written to me in the middle of the fight he would lose. It said, "May every day bring you flowers." It meant so much at the time it was written. To see it again was a reminder of a kind and gentle soul.

To you all, may every day bring you flowers.

IQ Test

2006-11-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

I am smarter than Father-san!!!

Congratulations, Louise!
Your IQ score is 136

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns.

How can you be sarcastic when you are a chocolate chip cookie?

2006-10-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

You Are a Chocolate Chip Cookie

Traditional and conservative, most people find you comforting.
You're friendly and easy to get to know. This makes you very popular - without even trying!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

How Sarcastic am I?

2006-10-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

I think I need to change...

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny.Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it.And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Haven't posted lately

2006-10-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that I haven't posted lately. I haven't had much to say. Well, I had a lot to say but nothing that I could say. In fact, all I can say is that I have been promoted as of November 1 to a HR Business Partner, which is a very good thing. There is a story here but I am not free to share that story. There are some things so confidential that I need to forget them completely. So, on to a new job at Intel. I am very excited.

The apartment is coming along fine. I have actually become accustomed to living the apartment life again. This place feels like home now. Yesterday, Paul and I walked to the shopping center across the street. It is great to be able to walk to the store. Paul walked over and picked up pizza for us on Saturday night and it took about 5 minutes to get there and back. The pizza was still hot!

We went pumpkins hunting on Saturday at Roloff Farms. Paul has known Matt and Amy since his days at Sequent. The Roloffs are the family of little people that are on TLC's, "Little People, Big World." The place was a zoo. We wanted pumpkins and ended up waiting 15 minutes to go .2 miles to where we could park. They are good pumpkins. I just didn't consider that so many people would be out there because of the show. They chucked a pumpkin from a trebulche. It was all fun!

I am still having trouble with my thumb. I think I am going to have to have someone look at it again. It looks like I might have torn a tendon or something because there is definitely a ridge of swelling. Blech. And being a 42 year old woman is icky. Just icky. ;-)

Well, I hope this satisfies as a post. Love to all.

We are moving

2006-09-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

This is the week that we move. It has been a busy month with packing and garage sales and the like. The thumb is better although typing is still quite painful. That opposable thumb idea was a good one. It means a lot to have it back most of the way.

I can't believe that Dad had a heart attack, minor though he says. I don't see how something like a heart attack can be minor. I was so afraid everytime the phone rang that night. I kept praying and hoping and hoping and praying that all would be well. I got a yes answer from God this time and that is most excellent.

I have been thinking a lot about children lately. It must be time for my midlife crisis. That or the impending 42nd birthday reminds me that my time to have children is coming to an end. For the most part, these feelings have been tucked away inside, me having thought I had dealt with them. I guess they are just reminding me that I made a conscious decision to remain a childless mother. I am second guessing that decision. I am struggling with the cards again. It isn't agonizing like it was but it is still there.

Last night I had a dream and was asked in that dream what my deepest regret was. Surprisingly, it wasn't the answer I thought. I answered, "It was the decision to not have children." I see my nieces and nephews and I love them all so very much. Most of them don't even know how much they mean to me. I have watched with pride as Larry and Brandon have grown into the handsome and responsible young men that they are. Yes, they are my stepchildren but it isn't quite the same. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with them for anything else in the world. It just isn't the same. They already have a mom that they go to when they need help, need comfort, need anything. My nieces and nephews have parents they go to. I just wanted to be a mom for someone. In a poem, I once wrote, "There is a hole in my heart where my child is supposed to be." The hole is still there. It isn't a gaping, bleeding wound anymore but it is a hole.

Fractured my thumb

2006-09-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

Won't be posting until it heals. I fell and fractured the joint at the base of my right thumb and sprained the bad knee. I am trying real hard to look at the positive but I am beginning to think the Universe is out to get me. I know God is with me. I think his attention slipped on Monday. :-)

Doing well as can do at this point

Mom is better...

2006-08-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

My mom is doing better. She is having to learn to take things easier and not cram everything into one day. The doctor says it will be a long recovery from the pneumonia given her other health issues and her age. She is doing better though. It is going to get better.

I have started pulling out the things that are bothering me and letting go if I need to. I spent Tuesday night crying. It is okay to cry. I have also learned that it is okay to say no, not only to my manager at work but to life. I don't have to deal with everything at once. It is going to take time for me to come to grips with what is going on but that is okay too.

We are cleaning out the house and getting ready to move. We are going to have a huge garage sale to get rid of stuff. If it doesn't sell, it goes to Goodwill. I am not moving stuff I haven't used in years. We are being very space conscious as we make decisions. It is sort of liberating to decide we can live with less than we have.

I have also been talking to God. I woke up feeling as if I were in his arms and he is holding me through everything. I can do everything through God who strengthens me. I am learning to give those problems to him and let him guide me through the storm. I am trying very hard to listen to what he says. I had a dream the other night. I am trying to decipher what it means.

Dad and Annie, thanks so much for your support and love. I can't do this without you.

Love and hugs.

What a week it was

2006-08-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

The stress finally got to me. On Wednesday afternoon, I was dizzy, light-headed and have a horrible time staying in this reality. I eventually got wheeled out of my office in a wheelchair (which I don't think was necessary but everyone else did). I attended Sandy's funeral exactly one week after attending Jimmy's. It was hard. I took Thursday and Friday off for some rest and relaxation at the insistence of my manager who thought I was crazy for wanting to work at all.

My mom got out of the hospital but at last call was getting worse instead of better. 96 pounds. I need to lose that much weight.

I finally feel like the stress is under control but with a very tight bulging lid. I can't deal with any of my issues individually which is what I need to do. Everytime I pull something out, the whole dang can explodes all over again. So right now, it is me keeping a lid on things until I can figure out how to deal with them. I hate having chronic depression and chronic pain.

Paul and I had our hair cut on Saturday which is always a great stress reliever. I love it when someone else washes my hair. It feels so decadent.

My mom

2006-08-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

All I can do is asked for continued prayer at this point. Mom is in the hospital because she has pneumonia, is anemic and isn't eating or drinking. She is dehydrated and weighs all of 99 pounds right now. As much as I want to believe that everything is going to be okay, I am having a hard time putting faith in it. You may remember that when my grandfather was admitted to the hospital in Denver for the same reasons (minus the pneumonia) and everyone assured me that it was going to be okay, he died. Oh how I need to believe.

And the bad news continues

2006-08-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

My manager came into my office around 11:30 this morning to tell me that a friend and co-worker had died yesterday from a heart attack caused by a blood cot. I cried like I have never cried at work. It is too much to deal with. Sandy will be missed by many at Intel. She had been with the company for almost 30 years.

As I mourn yet another loss, I begin to believe that this lesson is that we all die. Celebrate life here and now. Tomorrow may be too late.

The sadness is worse today

2006-08-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

I knew Jimmy for 11 short years. He showed us all how to live and how to die. I miss him. I miss Betty. I miss all those who have gone before. I want to live my life with such grace and dignity. I want my heart to shine out in love to everyone. But today, the shine isn't there. It's fake at its best. Maybe it is because my mom has pneumonia, a sinus infection, anemia and isn't eating. I pray for her healing. My dad sounds very worried for the first time. I am afraid. I can't take another loss. I just can't. Doesn't God know that I can't handle anymore? Must the envelope always be pushed?

Good-bye, Jimmy. You were well loved and will forever be in my heart. And to Jon, Cec and Natalie, I love you so dearly. I will always be here for you. Please know that you live in my thoughts, my prayers and in my heart.

Life is weird

2006-08-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

Weird I can live with. Depressing, I cannot. And certainly, after the events of the last week, I can say life could be very depressing.

We have to move. We don't have a choice. We are being kicked out of our home in the name of progress. The trailer park has been sold to a group that is turning it into retail space, office space and townhomes. We found out when we got home from work on Tuesday. There was the ominous envelope in the mailbox. It wasn't Ronda's lawyer so we knew we weren't being asked for even more child support.

It didn't seem real at first. This is our home. We have made it our home. I take pride in my rose garden. I enjoy it. I love this place. Sure, it's a mobile home but it is our home. They offered us $5K if we get out by February. Not upfront, of course, we get the money the day we leave. The trailer can't be moved. We can't sell it. It is worth nothing now, except to the county tax assessor. It still doesn't seem real.

We went looking at apartments today. They aren't the same as my home. I am going to have to get over that part. Nothing is going to be the same as our home. Yes, we had plans to move out in two years but that was our plan, not someone else's. Now is God's plan. We can't afford to buy a place so we are stuck back in apartment land. 41 years old and moving into an apartment. Yippee-ye-ki-ay.

I am so very sad. And then, we got the news about Jimmy. I am even more sad. I pray for his continued health and for peace. I pray for peace a lot. God, please bless Jim, Cec, Nat and Jon. Hold them and surround them in your loving embrace.

Louise

This work thing is hard

2006-07-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Intel has gone a little nutty. We laid off 1,000 managers on July 13 with their end date being July 28. That makes for a lot of work right now. And we got news that more cuts were going to be made. We just don't know who or where yet. I just didn't realize how much work stress invades my life until I was off for 7 weeks and came back. I have been having work nightmares the last couple of nights. I suppose I will start taking my anti-anxiety medicine before bed again.

The knee has been giving me a great deal of trouble since returning to work. I still go to physical therapy twice a week. Randy, my PT, says that I am making very good progress. But he also said the pain I am feeling could last as long as 6 months. Six months?!?! If I had known that, I probably wouldn't have had the surgery. One of the aides at the clinic says that my legs are getting buff. I just laugh at the thought that there is anything buff about me. :-)

We had a nice birthday with Larry. I made him the cake I made for Paul but he had chocolate pudding for a filling. He seemed to enjoy it thoroughly. Because it was over 100 degrees, we did take him out to dinner at PF Changs, an upscale Chinese restaurant. We had a great time and enjoyed the truly awesome food.

It is hard to believe that it is almost August already. I don't know where the first 7 months of the year went. It has been a busy year full of change, pain and sadness. But, it has also brought love, light and laughter as well. I guess it has been bittersweet. I am hoping that the rest of the year brings more joy than tears, more hope than despair, and more love than anything else.

Peace, love and joy,
Louise

Back at work

2006-07-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

Back at work and things are slow. Intel is undergoing an efficiency study right now to see how we can become more nimble. I hope they don't stop by my desk anytime soon.

It has been great to see everyone and get caught up. It hasn't been easy pain wise. The swelling in my leg is so bad that I am having a hard time putting on the blasted support hose. My leg just throbs by the end of the day. And, well, the pain is incredible. I think it is all the walking I have to do everyday. I swear that they put in an invisible football field between my desk and the bathroom. The building is much larger than I remember it. Getting a cup of ice water turns out to be a real challenge.

Today is Paul's birthday. I am so excited for him. I spent Sunday in the kitchen making his birthday cake. I made, from scratch, a chocolate buttermilk cake with raspberry filling and chocolate ganache as icing. We cut into it on Monday and this one came out really good. Larry and Brandon are coming over for dinner tonight. We will see if we have any cake left after they get through with it.

Hope all is well with everyone.

I go back to work on Monday

2006-07-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to be returning to week. I may not feel the same on Monday afternoon but today, I can't stand the waiting. I am bored with being at home. I am tired of movies, books and TV. I am tired of Sudoku and Kakuro. I just want some work to do. My manager is dying for me to come back.

I have read some very good books while I have been on leave. I think that Memoirs of a Geisha was my favorite. I liked Angels and Demons as well but it is a typical book for me. Memoirs was outside the realm of books I usually read so I just loved it.

I am going to miss watching What Not to Wear everyday. Of course, I have watched so much of it that I am now completely self-conscious about the clothes I wear. I critique everything I put on and am never satisfied now. I always ask myself what would Stacy and Clinton say? Sad, isn't it?

Well, I am going to watch Lord of the Rings: Return of the King this afternoon as my last day off.

Love to all.

Big Bird?

2006-07-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

You Are Big Bird

Talented, smart, and friendly... you're also one of the sanest people around.

You are usually feeling: Happy. From riding a unicycle to writing poetry, you have plenty of hobbies to keep you busy.

You are famous for: Being a friend to everyone. Even the grumpiest person gets along with you.

How you live your life: Joyfully. "Super. Duper. Flooper."

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

It's been a long time

2006-07-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't been online in weeks. I don't know why. I just haven't felt like it. I have been watching movies and reading books instead of playing online. I have read some great books in the last several weeks.

Memoirs of a Geisha - Excellent
Deception Point - Very good
State of Fear - Excellent
Whiteout - I really loved this one.
Angels and Demons - Excellent

I have read others but those stand out among the books I have read. There really is nothing better than a good book. I have put down these books and have missed the characters. I wasn't really sure I was going to like Memoirs of a Geisha but found myself drawn into the story, fascinated about the look into that part of Japanese society.

Paul and I had a nice long weekend for the Fourth of July. Thanks to the world's greatest physical therapist, I turned a corner with the pain. We have been to the world's largest Costco located close to where we work. We went to Fort Vancouver to see Larry in Sing Forth, a singing competition. Larry did an excellent job and I think he should have been in the top three. Complete strangers came up to him afterwards and told him what a great job he did. We are so very proud of him and his dedication to his art.

Nothing else has been going on around here. If anyone understood what happened in that movie Syriana I would be glad to hear it. I watched the entire thing and just couldn't figure it out. I am trying to decide if it is just me.

Love to all.

Food poisoning??

2006-06-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

So, Paul has been over it since Monday. I am still suffering. I managed a piece of toast today. At least I thought I had until 6 hours later when it made itself known to my intestinal system. I think it is time to call the doctor's office. A clear liquid diet is not making the time go any faster at all.

I have a lot of time to think these days. I remember the oddest things from my life. Today was a day of mostly happy memories. Paul and I getting married twice due to the comedy of errors. Larry bursting out of his shell, becoming the actor he is today. I still think his role as Daddy Warbucks was his best. He made me cry. Brandon and friends coming over to eat dinner and watch movies with us. Mandy and Casey and their antics always bring a smile to my face. Jim and Betty and the whole clan getting together over food and laughing as we didn't pass the butter to Jim. He threw his roll to Betty to get it buttered. Yes, many, many good memories.

I almost resorted to watching Doctor Phil today but was saved by my afternoon nap. God bless the afternoon nap.

I left the house

2006-06-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

That's right. I actually got out of the house this weekend. On Saturday afternoon, Paul and I went to see X-Men 3. The movie was good and the pain level was acceptable. The new theatre down the street has some very comfortable chairs that rock and that let me keep the blood moving in my leg.

As if that wasn't enough for me, we then went to Kohl's. Kohl's is my new favorite store. We had a 30% coupon that applied to our total purchase. We got a new blender, a KitchenAid for $54. Considering it is normally $100, I thought we did quite well. Kohl's has wheelchairs so Paul patiently wheeled me around the store to do a little shopping. I had a blast.

So, there is life outside these walls and I hope to be able to see more of it in the coming week.

The only other news is that Paul and I both got food poisoning yesterday. He seems to have recovered better than I have. It is taking me a little longer because of my post op immune system. Today, I am just trying to rehydrate.

Love to all.

For those keeping track

2006-06-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

The invoice arrived for the surgery and subsequent hospital stay. $32K this time. My left knee has rung up $100K in hospital bills since the original injury in 1990. This doesn't even cover the doctors, physical therapy, pharmacy, and tests. Thank goodness for insurance.

Is there life outside these four walls?

2006-06-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

I have been trapped in the house for almost three weeks now. My only release has been to go to the doctor, the emergency room or physical therapy. None of those places really count as getting out of the house to me. I know every flaw in our house intimately now. Sometimes I sit and stare at one or two of them and wonder how I am going to fix them when I can't even walk on my own yet.

Television is no longer holding any of my interest. I don't really think that it was before, I just had pain killers that made me not care about anything. Now that I am trying to wean myself off of the blasted things, I am acutely aware of how slowly time passes everyday. You know it is bad when you actually look forward to the excruciating pain of physical therapist. Randy, the therapist, is some kind of sadist. He took too much joy in inflicting pain this morning. Worse yet, I have therapy at 7:00 a.m.

The rose garden is beautiful. Paul made a nice arrangement of some of the roses and some lavender and put them in a vase for me. I have literally watched some of the buds bloom. That is almost as fun as watching the time go by on the clock at night.

Misery time starts around 7:30 to 8:00 at night. I dread it every single day. We have yet to find anything to relieve the pain and discomfort and restlessness. Paul and I have tried everything. I keep hoping that one night will go by without this miserable time. A few prayers in that direction wouldn't hurt. Well, Paul is home and Brandon and his harem are coming over for dinner. Jemme wants meatloaf so that is what we are having.

Love and hugs all around.

I'm Back

2006-05-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been odd to be offline for so very long. Although I have all the time in the world, I just have not been up to posting. Does that mean I am up for it today? Not really but I wanted to post a progress update.

This surgery was much harder on me than the original surgery. I have had a very difficult time dealing with the pain. I run a low grade fever every day and there are times not to talk to me. I am miserable starting at around 7:00 every night until I manage to fall asleep. Sleep has been elusive. Last night I was up until 2:00 and then up again at 5 and then 7. After Paul left for work, I did get back to sleep for another hour. I end up sleeping in Paul's chair on most nights as I can get more comfortable there than I can lying flat on my back in bed.

The days pass very slowly. I am not yet to the point where I can read for any length of time. Apparently, pain medicine does more than help with the pain. It totally confuses me. I can read the same paragraph six times before I really understand what it says.

Paul and Brandon have been great making sure. Brandon was over for a few days last week helping me out while Paul was at work. He also comes down and takes me to the doctor. Of course, I have to pay him to do it but it lets him earn some money and makes life easier on Paul.

Well, I am going to go for now. My love to all.

10 years later

2006-05-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

I want you to know how happy I am. There was a message on the answering machine last night when we got home. I didn't know what to do. Brandon left a message apologizing for not calling me on Mother's Day and wishing me a happy belated Mother's Day. Ten years of being a step-mom and this is the first time they have thought about me on Mother's Day. Does this mean I have graduated? Either way, it was the best present I could have received. The best. Absolutely the best. I feel so honored and so loved. I just had to share. It meant the world to me.

Senior Citizen's Discount...Me? What?

2006-05-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

That's right. I received my first senior citizen's discount last night at the ripe old age of 41! I knew I was looking tired, I just didn't know I was looking that bad. Sheesh!

Paul and I went to IHop last night after work and before my therapy appointment. We ordered and ate and the bill was $24. No biggie. We get to the register and the non-native English cashier mumbled something and our bill was $16. She points to the wall where it explains that senior citizens get a buy one get one free discount on Monday through Friday between 3 and 6.

We are officially old. Or Paul is old and I am decrepit. Free food is good but I am still uncertain as to how to feel about the reason we got the food.

Senior citizen's discount. Ha!

And sometimes the answer is no

2006-05-08T10:31:00.000-07:00

It isn't that He didn't hear my prayers. It isn't that He didn't answer. He answered my prayers but the answer was no. He is all-knowing so a no is hard to hear at times. Maybe I need to overcome my fears and this is what it is all about. Secretly, I know what I am making this post. I want to change the answer.

Usually, in my life, if I tell enough people that something is going to happen, it doesn't happen. So, I am telling anyone reading that my knee surgery is scheduled for 7:30 am on May 19. I haven't even seen the doctor and the surgery is scheduled. There are two options now. Either it has to be done earlier than that OR it doesn't happen at all. See how my logic works. I am, of course, hoping for the latter. I don't even know what is wrong. I know that between my bone scan and my blood tests, something came back that said I needed surgery. I will find out tomorrow.

Other than that, things here are fine. Paul and I went to see Celtic Woman yesterday at the Arlene Schnitzer concert hall. The show was absolutely terrific and left me with such a sense of peace. Too bad the seats were such that my long legs did not fit well in the row, squishing my knees against the seat in front of me. The show was worth the pain. Although, life on pain killers is not what it is cracked up to be. Those things deaden everything, including emotions. It is like being in the middle of a horrid depression. Your choice is to not take the medicine and be in pain OR take the medicine and walk through life not caring. I don't like either flipping option.

Well, hope that all is well with everyone else. My love and hugs.

May God hold you in the palms of his hands.

Making soap, because he first loved me and more

2006-05-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

I have some things on my mind today. Things that have been brewing and percolating and now need some exposure to life outside my mind. I think I should retitle this blog but I won't.

Saturday morning I woke up singing Oh How I Love Jesus. I have sung this song when I was a child. Saturday I listened to the words... "Oh how I love Jesus because he first loved me." As an adult, this is a backwards way to talk about love in any sense. I don't want to love someone just because they loved me first. That isn't love to me. I don't love Paul because he loved me first. I don't love God because he loved me first. I love for many reasons. I can't even tell you why I love Paul. There are so many things about him that make him the person I love. God is even more complicated than that. I can't see God. I can't touch God. I can't have a conversation with God (well, I do but I have to guess at his part of the conversation sometimes). Everyday I am reminded how much I do love God. I see a small bird, a rainbow, a cloud that looks like a duck and I love God. I see Paul, Larry, Brandon, anyone in my circle of friends and family and I love God. But I don't love God because he loved me first. So, why do we teach children this song? If their relationship with God is as personal as I believe it is, aren't we setting the wrong example for loving God? If I walk with God and Jesus, isn't my love supposed to emulate theirs, meaning I love people just because they are there? Just wondering.

Paul and I made soap this weekend. This is always a fascinating process for me. We take lard, coconut oil, water, lye, goat milk and fragrances, mix it all up and we get soap. We made us enough goat milk soap to last a year or more. I don't even care if it saves money or not. We made it ourselves, in our kitchen. We make soap. How cool is that!

And last week, Larry made my whole lifetime. Larry wrote in an email to Paul, "Give Louise a hug for me." I cried. I cried because I know that he loves me. It was one of the sweetest things he has ever said to or about me. I cried. I am crying now. Being a step-parent is exceedingly difficult and you wonder if you and the children will ever love each other completely. It isn't the Brady Bunch. That love isn't automatically there and it doesn't grow in three episodes. I have been in his life 11 years now and we have a mother/son/friend/mentor relationship. And it pleases me to no end. I love Larry and Brandon so very much, as if they were my own. It is amazing to feel the love from their end. Wow.

And now for the knee. You had to know I was going to mention it. It hurts so much that it makes me cry. Tomorrow is the bone scan. I follow-up with the doctor next week to get the results of that and my blood tests. I know what one option is and I don't even want to think about it. It scares me that much. Please pray that Dr. Tennant is blessed with the knowledge of all possibilities. Please. I am very scared.

Love to all.

It was a very busy week

2006-04-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

It was an extremely busy week this past week. We routinely did not get home until around 8:00. Then, I had to go to California on travel Thursday and Friday. I got home about 10:00 last night. It was a great business trip but I was tired, in pain and had two very swollen legs.

While I was gone, Dr. Tennant's office called. He wants to run a couple of more tests before he sees me again. So I will call on Monday and see what those tests are and get them scheduled. He is a very good doctor who is very frustrated right now. He wants the pain to end so I can get back to a normal life and he just can't figure out why I am in so much pain. Please pray that God grants him the insight to see what is troubling me.

I didn't make it to the gym today. I slept until 11:00 since I hadn't slept on Wednesday or Thursday night. I woke up with a migraine. I got out of bed, took some medicine had some breakfast and was then back in bed asleep until 3:00. I only got out of bed because Brandon and Katie are coming over for dinner.

Paul washed the car and weeded the garden today. The car looks great and the garden looks even better.

My new workout clothes came in the mail today. 2 pair of pants for yoga, black and gray and 2 shirts, 1 pink, 1 purple. I am styling now and can't wait for the yoga classes to begin at the gym. :-)

Well, our guests are here. There is a cake that needs some frosting applied.

Love to all.

Wow! What an Easter break!

2006-04-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

The most I can say is "He is Risen, Christ is risen indeed."

I took time off of work on Thursday and Friday. Thursday was a completely terrific day until about 3:30. I got up late, met Christy for lunch and then we went shopping at the new Kohl's. I hit the jackpot. Now I need to win the lottery to cover my jackpot. Seriously, I had a great time shopping and I usually hate it. Still no shoes but I did buy something else I needed. And I bought many things I didn't need but wanted.

I went to the doctor at 3:30 so he could run some special x-rays. They didn't get run until after 5:00. He managed to bruise my knee real good in getting the pictures he wanted. He knows there is a problem but he is having trouble finding the root cause. I was glad to have the pictures done but not real happy about the ensuing pain.

Good Friday morning was spent with Paul at the doctor's office as well as a visit to Kohl's and then to Starbucks in between visits. Paul gets to have a sleep study done. I hope they can do something about his snoring. If he stops snoring, I might even get some sleep. :-)

Saturday and Sunday were relatively lazy days. I went to the gym on Saturday for a good swim and a dip in the hot tub. Before that, Paul and I both received a much needed hair cut. Sunday was hard as we remembered those that we had lost yet rejoiced in the knowledge that Christ is risen. Our sins are forgiven. I believe that God held us all in his arms this Easter with Dad in the center of the love. The roses were beautiful. It reminds me of an old blessing we used to sing at church:

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be at your back
May the sun shine plainly in your face
And until we meet again
Until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of His hands.

I trust that all of you are in his hands, under his protection, surrounded by his love.

Paul and his nose

2006-04-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it was a rough weekend for Paul and his nose. He slept off and on most of the weekend. His nose was all bruised, packed with cotton (formally known as the nose tampon) and running. We went to see the ENT doc yesterday. Wow! Not only was he thorough and very good, he was cute too! Even Paul said he was cute!

So, the doctor ended up having to cauterize his nose both chemically and thermally. Blech is all I have to say about it. Paul was very brave considering the pain they were putting him through. The doc gave him some pain medicine and told me to go out and buy some Afrin as well. I have to take him back to the doctor on Friday.

I also received a phone call about my visit with Dr Tennant, my orthopedic surgeon. Apparently they have this new machine downstairs that they want to use to image my knee to see if we can get a clear picture of what is happening with it. It still has a bruise from the accident in December as well as being extremely painful to the touch. He moved my appointment up to this week. I will have to let you know how it goes.

Otherwise, all is well with the Paul Taylor family in Oregon. Nothing has happened that won't pass with time. God is with us and holding us when we need it.

Love to all.

Oh and no shoe update. I haven't gone shopping yet. I decided I will wait until I feel the urge or need to get on the gym's equipment. The pool is working out just fine now.

A second Thursday night in the ER

2006-04-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

And this time it wasn't because of me. Last week, I was in the ER on Thursday for a migraine. This week, it was Paul. We had gone to the gym so I could get in the pool and experience another pain-free hour of exercise and relaxation. Paul comes out and gets in the pool and I notice that he has a nose bleed. He leaves the pool and goes back in the locker room. I start stretching and swimming. He still hasn't come out. When he finally does, it is to say we need to go because he can't get it to stop.

So, off we go. We first went to Urgent Care in my attempt to save Intel some money. They tried packing it there but he just kept bleeding. This is no small amount of blood either. He is gushing it everywhere. They tell us to go to the ER. He keeps gushing blood. (Yes, I have thrown that towel away.) Paul bled for over 2 and a half hours before they could get it under control. The ER doc had to pack it again and it finally stopped. We got home around 11.

So, Paul is at home today, hopefully getting the rest and fluids that he needs. He is on some antibiotics to keep from getting a staph infection. He says the ENT doc on Monday to have the packing removed. He also needs to see his regular doc because his blood pressure is elevated.

I say that we have had enough of that ER. This is the third visit in 5 weeks for us. Two migraines and a nose bleed and a lot of pain for both of us. I just don't know when this cycle of weirdness is going to end for us. It has been costly and emotionally draining. I feel like it will never stop at this rate.

Well, I better get back to work. Keep praying for us that this cycle stops soon.

Love to all.

Shoes, shoes, shoes

2006-04-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

So, eight years of wearing strictly Birkenstocks unless an event required otherwise, I have to buy shoes. I also have to buy a cute gym outfit so I look like I am an old timer at being at the gym.

So, how do you buy shoes when you have no idea what size shoes you wear? The last time I tried on a pair of shoes, my feet protested immediately. I don't even know where to begin with the shoes. I do not have nice slender feet. I have huge feet. My feet are bigger than Paul's. I am not allowed to wear his socks because I stretch them out.

And I want cute shoes, purple preferably. What brand is best? Do I need running shoes for the gym? I can guarantee there will be no running done by me. That activity is still out due to the knees. So, will walking shoes work or do I need tennis shoes? And do my gym clothes need to match my shoes and socks. Can you tell I am stressing about stupid things now?

I started wearing Birkenstocks at my doctor's request. Since I started wearing them, I no longer have problems with heel pain. I am afraid of wearing different shoes and bringing that pain back on. I hate being in pain when I walk. I have done enough of that this lifetime.

So, I need advice on brand, color and type of shoes. Fire away!

Tortilla Stack-Ups

2006-04-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

Dad wanted the recipe so I thought I would post. They were a big hit at the party and I am lucky I made two batches since the kids gobbled them up like they were never going to get food again. Katie, Brandon's girlfriend, and Liz made the guacamole and did one terrific job. I prepped the stack-ups and then had Paul and the kids do the rest of the work. Delegation rocks!

Tortilla Stack-ups

8 soft tortilla wraps - size depends on the size of your round cake pans. I use the large ones.
4 cups shredded cheese - I use the Colby Chedder mix
1 pound meat - your choice - I use hamburger
1 pkg Taco seasoning mix - You can get any flavor or use fajita mix or whatever floats your boat
Water (see the taco seasoning mix package for how much)
1 small can chopped green chilis

Preheat oven to 400.
Brown meat in skillet. Add seasoning mix and follow directions on package
You need two round cake pans - I use non-stick but you can use another and just spray with Pam
Put a tortilla in the bottom of the each cake pan.
Put 1/4 meat mixture in each pan.
Sprinkle on cheese.
Put in another tortilla in each pan.
Put 1/4 meat mixture in each pan.
Sprinkle on cheese.
Put in another tortilla.
Put half green chilis in each pan.
Sprinkle with cheese.
Put in another tortilla.
Spray top with Pam (it will brown lightly).
Cook for 20 minutes.
Cut and serve.

You can serve with lettuce, chopped tomatoes, sour cream, guacamole or sliced avocados, refried beans, and salsa.

It makes enough for leftovers!

The sun came out to play

2006-04-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

What a rare treat in Oregon at this time of year! The sun came out to play and to warm us up into the 60's. It is almost too good to be true. And since we have started the accursed Daylight Savings Time, we might get to enjoy part of the day after work.

Speaking of after work, our gym finally opened which means I have to buy some shoes I can wear on the equipment in the gym. Of course, I plan on spending most of my time in the pool or in the spa. The pool will let me exercise and stretch with less pain impact. Then, the spa helps heat the muscles through to promote relaxation. Paul and I were good and planned a trip to the gym yesterday for some pool time only to find that the pool and spa are not open yet. I had been looking forward to it all day. I am not looking forward to it today so maybe they will be open.

It occurs to me that I have worn only Birkenstocks for the last 8 years. I have boots to wear in inclement weather but I usually don't even wear those unless some sort of snow is involved. So, how does someone who has only worn Birkenstocks for 8 years go about finding tennis shoes to wear to the gym. I don't even know where to start. Nothing is going to feel as good as my Birkenstocks and Birkenstock doesn't make tennis shoes. Oh no, now I know I also need work out clothes for those times I venture to the equipment in the gym. This gym thing is going to get costly.

My lifestyle coach, provided to me through a pilot program at Intel, will be glad to hear that the gym is open. I can't wait to tell her. She calls me every three weeks to discuss the goals we have set for the last three weeks. Exercising is one of the goals I have on my list. It really is exciting to have someone to work with me through the first 5 months of this lifestyle change. Now, if I can only get a handle on my food issues, all will be well. Yes, I have food issues. That's what therapy is supposed to be helping.

As for the depression, it is still there because the pain is still here. But I am finding ways to lift myself out of the depths again. CS Lewis is really good for that. I get so excited reading his books.

It's 3:00 a.m.

2006-03-31T03:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, I can't sleep. I had a migraine which ended up so severe that I went to the emergency room. There I was given an IV dose of Compazine which made my stomach feel better but not my head. I was then given a shot of morphine. It helped ease the pain but the headache was still really bad. Then I was given an IV dose of Dilaudid (sp?). That worked so they handed me some vicodin and sent me home with instructions to take 2 when I got home.

I took those two plus my other medications that are supposed to help me sleep. Yet, here I am wide awake at 3 in the morning. Most people would have been knocked out by any of the drugs mentioned above. Not me, though. No, I take enough sleep causing drugs to keep an elephant asleep and I still can't sleep. How rotten is that?

Besides the headache, I had a great day. My boss gave me a high priority project that I finished well ahead of schedule. I was just humming right along at work as happy as could be. Yes, I said happy. I was laughing. I was joking. I was on a roll. I was feeling great. Then, the great pain message went to the brain and once again I was crying. So, yes, pain does cause depression.

Either way, I am on some happy drugs now. Vicodin can make me loopy and it has once again. I don't know that it kills the pain but it does make me not give a rat's patootie that I am in pain. Drugs are interesting that way.

Someone asked about my award. I won the Intel Administrative Excellence Award, the highest award an admin can win at Intel. I am working on a project to train and develop other HR admins. It has gone really well and has brought me to the realization that God has me where I am for a reason. I don't know what it is yet but I do know that it must be a great one. God really is good to Paul and me.

Sapphire kitty is laying on my legs right now. She is perplexed as to why I am up. But then again, so am I.

Brandon and Larry are having a gathering of friends at our place tonight. We are going to have a Mexican dinner. I am making tortilla stack-ups. We have all the fixings like salsa, chips, avocados, sour cream, and bagged salsa salad. We ordered an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. It will be a great time if I am awake for it. Well, I have to be awake to make dinner. Larry and Brandon love tortilla stackups. If you want the recipe let me know. It is super easy.

Later I will tell you all about my new lifestyle coach from the Mayo Clinic as well about my efforts to get healthier and stay that way.

Come Monday It Will Be Alright

2006-03-27T17:03:00.000-08:00

I woke up today feeling better than I had in some time. I think crying myself to sleep last week and finally letting go of Betty may have been the turning point in this depression. I am still very sad over the loss. I still miss my Butterball like there is no tomorrow. But, something has changed.

I finished reading a book this weekend. Did I mention this before? My therapist gave me homework of which part was to finish the book I have been reading for the last 4 months. It never takes me this long to finish a book. It was just the energy required wasn't there. So, I finished it. Loretta was right. I did feel better. I felt so much better that I started another one and only have 60 pages left. Granted, it is a short book. I am reading the first in the CS Lewis series on Narnia. Somehow, this one had escaped my attention and I am thrilled to learn about the birth of Narnia. I am excited to be getting back in touch with this side of myself. I guess reading really is for mentals.

It was 66 in Oregon today. Wow! The sun was out. There is a breeze in the air. I think spring might have arrived just in time to perk me up. I see that my roses are busy in their spring growth. The first flowers will simply take my breath away. And, I think my pain will start to ease as the chill leaves the air. There is hope in spring and I feel it in my spirit. Despite all that can be wrong physically, I love and am loved. That will be enough to get me through tomorrow.

Family and friends, I love you.

I Miss You

2006-03-24T20:26:00.000-08:00

I don't think recovery from this depression is going to be a quick one. Sometimes I know when I have turned the corner but every time I even see the corner something else goes wrong. I don't mean something small either. I mean something big.

Friday, March 17, 2006, marked the death of our 11 year old cat, Butterball. I had taken the day off to rest, relax and rejuvenate. Everyone around me said I needed a day like that. I had planned to do nothing more than get up and let the day unfold. I had an idea that I would finish the homework the therapist gave me. Nothing huge. I just need to finish the last few pages of a book I haven't finished. I can't seem to find the energy to pick it up and finish it. Considering that I love to read, this is rather odd. We thought if I could just pick it up, I would find my passion for reading again. Who knows? That might kick start my passion for life.

But, I digress. I got out of bed at an absolutely lazy 10:00 in the morning. The first thing I noticed was the absence of Butterball from his usual spot on the bed. I went to find him. He was in none of his usual haunts. I looked under the kitchen sink, on top of the sofa, in the computer chair and in his chair. He wasn't there. He was hiding in my closet. He had opened the door and was hiding in there. That is when I knew, I knew I would remember this day always.

After frantic phone calls to my husband and friend, my friend and I managed to wrangle Butterball to the Dove Lewis Animal Hospital. (If you are an animal lover, please consider Dove Lewis in Portland, OR as a wonderful place to donate money.) The vet at first said it was possible a bladder infection. I knew it wasn't that.

After digital radiographs (which are for another post), the doctor spoke with me. Butterball appeared to have lymphoma. He needed an ultrasound to be sure. I said please. I wanted to know what was wrong with my precious orange tabby. He recommended I go home and wait for news there. I then knew that it wasn't going to get better.

I am a horrible person when it comes to waiting on news. Time seemed to freeze. The clock didn't tick. Every second seemed a lifetime. Finally, at 6:00 the news came in. Butterball had lymphoblastic lymphoma. He had a large abdominal mass and his lymph nodes were septic. They needed one more test to see if he could be treated.

The long and short of it is that he could not. He was in pain and he was going to die. I left the ultimate decision to Paul because I wasn't strong enough to make it. Those last minutes that Butterball were in our lives were the most heartbreaking moments I have ever had with a pet. He is in God's hands now. He is with Betty keeping her company while she waits for the rest of us to come home. Love can heal all wounds and it does take time.

I miss you, Butterball. I miss you too, Mom. Love to all.

Mondays are Mondays

2006-03-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have ever had a Monday that didn't feel like a Monday. In fact, except for the weekend part, this Monday feels like last Friday. Not much changes around here. Not much changes around anywhere it seems.

Depression looms heavy on my mind. It seems like I will always be depressed which is just more depressing. I know it won't last forever but it certainly feels like it will. What are you supposed to do with that? Sure, I take anti-depressants but they aren't keeping me from being depressed. I wonder what they are doing. All those drugs and I still can't sleep at night. I take what should knock out a herd of elephants to no avail. I wake up as tired as when I went to bed.

Do you remember in the 70's and 80's when people would be suffering from exhaustion? I think I am exhausted but nobody gets treated for it anymore. You just keep being exhausted which makes you tired which makes you not want to move which makes you be in pain which makes you depressed which makes you exhausted... See where I am headed with this? I am just tired and depressed and I feel wrong. I feel really, really wrong.

Thank goodness Paul is in my life. He keeps me going. I know that he will make me laugh on my worst of days. Not many people experience the love I have with him in my life. It's odd. I feel guilty for feeling depressed when there are people that would die to have half of what I have in this world. Possessions don't make you happy. I don't even have a lot of possessions. I just don't want to be depressed anymore. Stupid brain chemicals

Friday Afternoon

2006-03-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

There are days that seem to last forever and this has been one of them. After two weeks of working myself almost to illness, this week has just crawled by. I realize that I love the stressful part of my job. It brings excitement and a huge sense of accomplishment.

The article on the award I received hit the airwaves today. I didn't understand the full impact of the award until I started getting mail from up the management chain. This one is all about personal pride in my work. I am proud of what I do and how I do it. I have enjoyed the last year on a professional level.

Makes you wonder why I am depressed, doesn't it? Why do I need a therapist. I tell ya. It seems when one part of your life is soaring another part is bringing you such grief that you don't even know how to express it. I miss Betty very much. She was the best mother-in-law a girl could ever have wanted. And Dad, I fash over him a lot. He doesn't know it. His grief is unbearable for me. I feel it on the deepest of levels.

And, then, there's the pain. I am in constant pain these days. I am so tired of being in pain, so very tired of it. Paul keeps me going with love and plenty of laughter. Maybe some other day I will tell you about the things we laugh about. I count my blessings everyday but it doesn't take the pain away. Nothing does that. It doesn't seem like all the medicine in the world will do that. Each day, I get out of bed and wonder what is going to hurt the most today. Will I get a migraine? Will my knee shoot out that excruciating pain that can stop me mid-stride? Will my hand ache with each click of the mouse? I just don't know. I only know that it is another day I get to spend married to Paul, being a member of a great extended family and working at something I enjoy doing.

Well, I think that will do it for now.