Inside My Mind

There's a lot inside my mind this week

I certainly do appreciate all that I have in this life. I have the world's best husband, a loving family, great friends, a good job, a nice roof over my head, good food on the table, and the grace of the Father. And inside my mind and heart, I know all of this. It is what gets me through the days of fighting this depression. Depression as an illness is hard for me to explain. There are no pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. If that were possible, I would be happy all the time. I am good at the bootstraps. And still you fight the disease hoping to win the battle. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life to its fullness. And those brain chemicals just keep staying unbalanced. If I could control my depression, I would do it. I wish it were that simple but it just isn't. And so life goes on.

My physical health is just not right these days. The doctors decided that I need to be on an event monitor to monitor my heart for the next 30 days. They have stress tested me. They have poked and prodded. I have enough needle marks to make people wonder how I could be such a klutzy drug user. It just stinks right now. And my right hand, well, it needs major surgery if I want to be able to use it. Thanks. I know that someday all will be well again. I know I will come out of this slump. I always have before. It is just depressing to me.

I am looking forward to seeing my parents. They are coming out to Portland on October 6. We have plans for them as well. I want them to see why I think this is such beautiful country. It is so beautiful here and I do love being here. I think I would love being anywhere as long as Paul was there with me. This is their first ever trip to Oregon. There is so much to see and to do but I don't want to wear them out completely. Wish me luck!

Oh, just so you know, I do know there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I just can't always see it. :-)

posted by Louise @ 8:41 AM