Inside My Mind

I don't know what I was expecting

I prayed that 2007 would be better than 2006. I wanted a few months away from the loss that has filled my life in the last 14 months. I wanted time to heal. I wanted time. I wanted peace. I wanted some joy. And then Tom died.

I can't begin to express how devastating it is to lose your older brother to a sudden massive heart attack. I know you know what it is to lose a brother. It was the shock after no warning signs. He was scheduled to move into his new apartment the morning that he died. He was happy about starting life out on his own. He was experiencing joy for the first time in many, many years. And now, he is gone. And I don't know how to handle it.

Losing 3 family members, 2 friends and my cat all in 14 months. It is incomprehensible to me. None of these deaths were insignificant. Each one of these people had touched my life. And Butterball had given me great comfort as a pet. I just don't know how to go on anymore. I can't take anymore of this. There really is a time where you run out of strength and energy and this is it.

The doctor, having put me on an additional anti-depressant a few weeks ago, has now tripled that antidepressant to try and get me through this time of grief and despair. My blood pressure is way up. How much more can I take? How much more until I prove to God that there is a point where I don't have the strength to continue to go through this? Please, God, relieve me of this pain, give me that peace that passes all understanding. I can't do this on my own. I just can't.

I thank God everyday for Paul. I love him so much and I would not have lived the last 12 days without him by my side. I hurt so much. Please, make it stop.

posted by Louise @ 8:41 AM