Inside My Mind

Who was Tom Crocker?

He was my brother. Not everything was rosy between us. I don't have many happy memories with him. Those that I do have are a real hoot.

He was 9 when he figured out how to tap the phone trunk line for our neighborhood. He hooked up a phone and we listened to all the neighborhood phone calls that day. We only got caught when we asked our parents if they knew that our neighbors were getting divorced. We had to tell how we found out and that was the end of the gossip line.

He used to stage elaborate neighborhood plays. He would write, direct and produce the shows. We did disaster movies. We did one of the airport movies once and he arranged a magnificent crash of the "plane". Our parents were so very proud. The neighborhood parents actually paid to see that one.

One Thanksgiving when I was home from college, Tom woke me up wanting to make homemade donuts. He somehow talked me into getting into the kitchen with him and helping him. Helping Tom in the kitchen meant you were dedicated to cleaning up the mess he inevitably made. My mom's expression when she came down on Thanksgiving day and saw her kitchen in complete disarray was priceless. There was flour and powdered sugar everywhere. I cleaned it up in the interest of Mom's sanity.

Tom was a tormented man. He was mentally ill with a form of panic attacks and schizophrenia. He heard voices in his head all of the time. He would listen to everything really loud to drown out those voices. In his later years, he was never without his CD player and his Bible. I watched him and ached for him. I wanted him well and I wanted him happy and I couldn't do it. I never could. I grew up believing that he hated me. It was the only thing I could believe to rationalize his treatment of me. I now know that he loved me but couldn't show it. He was sick.

I heard my sister tell many stories of fun times they shared. She knew a different Tom than I did. I mourn for not only the loss of my brother but of our lost time as siblings. I hurt because I wanted those good times with him too. I was so jealous of my sister growing up. She had the relationship with Tom that I craved, that I prayed for every night.

Did Tom and I ever mend fences? Yes, we did. One day, he called and begged my forgiveness for the way he treated me as a child. And I asked his for staying away from home for so long because I didn't want to be around him. I didn't know how to love him as an adult. I never did. I loved him through prayers for his healing. I loved him through poetry and hope that someday he would be free from that which tormented him. Today, he is free but I want him back. I want my older brother back in my life so that we might have a fun time sharing life.

posted by Louise @ 1:01 PM