Inside My Mind

Making soap, because he first loved me and more

I have some things on my mind today. Things that have been brewing and percolating and now need some exposure to life outside my mind. I think I should retitle this blog but I won't.

Saturday morning I woke up singing Oh How I Love Jesus. I have sung this song when I was a child. Saturday I listened to the words... "Oh how I love Jesus because he first loved me." As an adult, this is a backwards way to talk about love in any sense. I don't want to love someone just because they loved me first. That isn't love to me. I don't love Paul because he loved me first. I don't love God because he loved me first. I love for many reasons. I can't even tell you why I love Paul. There are so many things about him that make him the person I love. God is even more complicated than that. I can't see God. I can't touch God. I can't have a conversation with God (well, I do but I have to guess at his part of the conversation sometimes). Everyday I am reminded how much I do love God. I see a small bird, a rainbow, a cloud that looks like a duck and I love God. I see Paul, Larry, Brandon, anyone in my circle of friends and family and I love God. But I don't love God because he loved me first. So, why do we teach children this song? If their relationship with God is as personal as I believe it is, aren't we setting the wrong example for loving God? If I walk with God and Jesus, isn't my love supposed to emulate theirs, meaning I love people just because they are there? Just wondering.

Paul and I made soap this weekend. This is always a fascinating process for me. We take lard, coconut oil, water, lye, goat milk and fragrances, mix it all up and we get soap. We made us enough goat milk soap to last a year or more. I don't even care if it saves money or not. We made it ourselves, in our kitchen. We make soap. How cool is that!

And last week, Larry made my whole lifetime. Larry wrote in an email to Paul, "Give Louise a hug for me." I cried. I cried because I know that he loves me. It was one of the sweetest things he has ever said to or about me. I cried. I am crying now. Being a step-parent is exceedingly difficult and you wonder if you and the children will ever love each other completely. It isn't the Brady Bunch. That love isn't automatically there and it doesn't grow in three episodes. I have been in his life 11 years now and we have a mother/son/friend/mentor relationship. And it pleases me to no end. I love Larry and Brandon so very much, as if they were my own. It is amazing to feel the love from their end. Wow.

And now for the knee. You had to know I was going to mention it. It hurts so much that it makes me cry. Tomorrow is the bone scan. I follow-up with the doctor next week to get the results of that and my blood tests. I know what one option is and I don't even want to think about it. It scares me that much. Please pray that Dr. Tennant is blessed with the knowledge of all possibilities. Please. I am very scared.

Love to all.

posted by Louise @ 1:14 PM