Inside My Mind

We are moving

This is the week that we move. It has been a busy month with packing and garage sales and the like. The thumb is better although typing is still quite painful. That opposable thumb idea was a good one. It means a lot to have it back most of the way.

I can't believe that Dad had a heart attack, minor though he says. I don't see how something like a heart attack can be minor. I was so afraid everytime the phone rang that night. I kept praying and hoping and hoping and praying that all would be well. I got a yes answer from God this time and that is most excellent.

I have been thinking a lot about children lately. It must be time for my midlife crisis. That or the impending 42nd birthday reminds me that my time to have children is coming to an end. For the most part, these feelings have been tucked away inside, me having thought I had dealt with them. I guess they are just reminding me that I made a conscious decision to remain a childless mother. I am second guessing that decision. I am struggling with the cards again. It isn't agonizing like it was but it is still there.

Last night I had a dream and was asked in that dream what my deepest regret was. Surprisingly, it wasn't the answer I thought. I answered, "It was the decision to not have children." I see my nieces and nephews and I love them all so very much. Most of them don't even know how much they mean to me. I have watched with pride as Larry and Brandon have grown into the handsome and responsible young men that they are. Yes, they are my stepchildren but it isn't quite the same. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with them for anything else in the world. It just isn't the same. They already have a mom that they go to when they need help, need comfort, need anything. My nieces and nephews have parents they go to. I just wanted to be a mom for someone. In a poem, I once wrote, "There is a hole in my heart where my child is supposed to be." The hole is still there. It isn't a gaping, bleeding wound anymore but it is a hole.

posted by Louise @ 1:29 PM 1 Comments

Fractured my thumb

Won't be posting until it heals. I fell and fractured the joint at the base of my right thumb and sprained the bad knee. I am trying real hard to look at the positive but I am beginning to think the Universe is out to get me. I know God is with me. I think his attention slipped on Monday. :-)

Doing well as can do at this point

posted by Louise @ 8:23 AM 2 Comments