It's a crying day
I had some horrible nightmares last night around people dying that were close to me. Wonder where that lovely one came from, don't you? But the worst one was that I had gone by to see Tom's grave and someone had defaced his grave marker. I woke up from that so sad and so angry. I have been tearful all morning because I think of him, cold and alone in that cemetery, and I just want to be there with him and my family. I don't want him to be alone anymore. I just can't see him in heaven today. I don't know why.
Today I want to grieve and I can't. Today work is a lot of stress and Focal is driving me crazy. I run reports and analyze data that isn't changing that should be. I don't understand some of the decisions that have been made. I think I am past my stress level.
Some day I will be better. I will be happier. I know it. It just isn't today.
I think I need a vacation
No, I know I need a vacation. I feel like I am on a whirlygig in the middle of a hurricane. Work is very stressful right now. There just aren't enough hours in the day. My health is in the trash bin right now. The fibromyalgia is in full force flare so I am in pain, cranky and exhausted. My blood pressure was up to 154/110. It hasn't ever been that. My weight is on a 10 pound yo-yo. I am stressed, depressed and anxious. Someone get me out of here.
BTW, Happy Valentine's Day.
Who was Tom Crocker?
He was my brother. Not everything was rosy between us. I don't have many happy memories with him. Those that I do have are a real hoot.
He was 9 when he figured out how to tap the phone trunk line for our neighborhood. He hooked up a phone and we listened to all the neighborhood phone calls that day. We only got caught when we asked our parents if they knew that our neighbors were getting divorced. We had to tell how we found out and that was the end of the gossip line.
He used to stage elaborate neighborhood plays. He would write, direct and produce the shows. We did disaster movies. We did one of the airport movies once and he arranged a magnificent crash of the "plane". Our parents were so very proud. The neighborhood parents actually paid to see that one.
One Thanksgiving when I was home from college, Tom woke me up wanting to make homemade donuts. He somehow talked me into getting into the kitchen with him and helping him. Helping Tom in the
kitchen meant you were dedicated to cleaning up the mess he inevitably made. My mom's expression when she came down on Thanksgiving day and saw her kitchen in complete disarray was priceless. There was flour and powdered sugar everywhere. I cleaned it up in the interest of Mom's sanity.
Tom was a tormented man. He was mentally ill with a form of panic attacks and schizophrenia. He heard voices in his head all of the time. He would listen to everything really loud to drown out those voices. In his later years, he was never without his CD player and his Bible. I watched him and ached for him. I wanted him well and I wanted him happy and I couldn't do it. I never could. I grew up believing that he hated me. It was the only thing I could believe to rationalize his treatment of me. I now know that he loved me but couldn't show it. He was sick.
I heard my sister tell many stories of fun times they shared. She knew a different Tom than I did. I mourn for not only the loss of my brother but of our lost time as siblings. I hurt because I wanted those good times with him too. I was so jealous of my sister growing up. She had the relationship with Tom that I craved, that I prayed for every night.
Did Tom and I ever mend fences? Yes, we did. One day, he called and begged my forgiveness for the way he treated me as a child. And I asked his for staying away from home for so long because I didn't want to be around him. I didn't know how to love him as an adult. I never did. I loved him through prayers for his healing. I loved him through poetry and hope that someday he would be free from that which tormented him. Today, he is free but I want him back. I want my older brother back in my life so that we might have a fun time sharing life.
I don't know what I was expecting
I prayed that 2007 would be better than 2006. I wanted a few months away from the loss that has filled my life in the last 14 months. I wanted time to heal. I wanted time. I wanted peace. I wanted some joy. And then Tom died.
I can't begin to express how devastating it is to lose your older brother to a sudden massive heart attack. I know you know what it is to lose a brother. It was the shock after no warning signs. He was scheduled to move into his new apartment the morning that he died. He was happy about starting life out on his own. He was experiencing joy for the first time in many, many years. And now, he is gone. And I don't know how to handle it.
Losing 3 family members, 2 friends and my cat all in 14 months. It is incomprehensible to me. None of these deaths were insignificant. Each one of these people had touched my life. And Butterball had given me great comfort as a pet. I just don't know how to go on anymore. I can't take anymore of this. There really is a time where you run out of strength and energy and this is it.
The doctor, having put me on an additional anti-depressant a few weeks ago, has now tripled that antidepressant to try and get me through this time of grief and despair. My blood pressure is way up. How much more can I take? How much more until I prove to God that there is a point where I don't have the strength to continue to go through this? Please, God, relieve me of this pain, give me that peace that passes all understanding. I can't do this on my own. I just can't.
I thank God everyday for Paul. I love him so much and I would not have lived the last 12 days without him by my side. I hurt so much. Please, make it stop.
