I'm Back
Well, it has been odd to be offline for so very long. Although I have all the time in the world, I just have not been up to posting. Does that mean I am up for it today? Not really but I wanted to post a progress update.
This surgery was much harder on me than the original surgery. I have had a very difficult time dealing with the pain. I run a low grade fever every day and there are times not to talk to me. I am miserable starting at around 7:00 every night until I manage to fall asleep. Sleep has been elusive. Last night I was up until 2:00 and then up again at 5 and then 7. After Paul left for work, I did get back to sleep for another hour. I end up sleeping in Paul's chair on most nights as I can get more comfortable there than I can lying flat on my back in bed.
The days pass very slowly. I am not yet to the point where I can read for any length of time. Apparently, pain medicine does more than help with the pain. It totally confuses me. I can read the same paragraph six times before I really understand what it says.
Paul and Brandon have been great making sure. Brandon was over for a few days last week helping me out while Paul was at work. He also comes down and takes me to the doctor. Of course, I have to pay him to do it but it lets him earn some money and makes life easier on Paul.
Well, I am going to go for now. My love to all.
10 years later
I want you to know how happy I am. There was a message on the answering machine last night when we got home. I didn't know what to do. Brandon left a message apologizing for not calling me on Mother's Day and wishing me a happy belated Mother's Day. Ten years of being a step-mom and this is the first time they have thought about me on Mother's Day. Does this mean I have graduated? Either way, it was the best present I could have received. The best. Absolutely the best. I feel so honored and so loved. I just had to share. It meant the world to me.
Senior Citizen's Discount...Me? What?
That's right. I received my first senior citizen's discount last night at the ripe old age of 41! I knew I was looking tired, I just didn't know I was looking that bad. Sheesh!
Paul and I went to IHop last night after work and before my therapy appointment. We ordered and ate and the bill was $24. No biggie. We get to the register and the non-native English cashier mumbled something and our bill was $16. She points to the wall where it explains that senior citizens get a buy one get one free discount on Monday through Friday between 3 and 6.
We are officially old. Or Paul is old and I am decrepit. Free food is good but I am still uncertain as to how to feel about the reason we got the food.
Senior citizen's discount. Ha!
And sometimes the answer is no
It isn't that He didn't hear my prayers. It isn't that He didn't answer. He answered my prayers but the answer was no. He is all-knowing so a no is hard to hear at times. Maybe I need to overcome my fears and this is what it is all about. Secretly, I know what I am making this post. I want to change the answer.
Usually, in my life, if I tell enough people that something is going to happen, it doesn't happen. So, I am telling anyone reading that my knee surgery is scheduled for 7:30 am on May 19. I haven't even seen the doctor and the surgery is scheduled. There are two options now. Either it has to be done earlier than that OR it doesn't happen at all. See how my logic works. I am, of course, hoping for the latter. I don't even know what is wrong. I know that between my bone scan and my blood tests, something came back that said I needed surgery. I will find out tomorrow.
Other than that, things here are fine. Paul and I went to see Celtic Woman yesterday at the Arlene Schnitzer concert hall. The show was absolutely terrific and left me with such a sense of peace. Too bad the seats were such that my long legs did not fit well in the row, squishing my knees against the seat in front of me. The show was worth the pain. Although, life on pain killers is not what it is cracked up to be. Those things deaden everything, including emotions. It is like being in the middle of a horrid depression. Your choice is to not take the medicine and be in pain OR take the medicine and walk through life not caring. I don't like either flipping option.
Well, hope that all is well with everyone else. My love and hugs.
May God hold you in the palms of his hands.
Making soap, because he first loved me and more
I have some things on my mind today. Things that have been brewing and percolating and now need some exposure to life outside my mind. I think I should retitle this blog but I won't.
Saturday morning I woke up singing Oh How I Love Jesus. I have sung this song when I was a child. Saturday I listened to the words... "Oh how I love Jesus because he first loved me." As an adult, this is a backwards way to talk about love in any sense. I don't want to love someone just because they loved me first. That isn't love to me. I don't love Paul because he loved me first. I don't love God because he loved me first. I love for many reasons. I can't even tell you why I love Paul. There are so many things about him that make him the person I love. God is even more complicated than that. I can't see God. I can't touch God. I can't have a conversation with God (well, I do but I have to guess at his part of the conversation sometimes). Everyday I am reminded how much I do love God. I see a small bird, a rainbow, a cloud that looks like a duck and I love God. I see Paul, Larry, Brandon, anyone in my circle of friends and family and I love God. But I don't love God because he loved me first. So, why do we teach children this song? If their relationship with God is as personal as I believe it is, aren't we setting the wrong example for loving God? If I walk with God and Jesus, isn't my love supposed to emulate theirs, meaning I love people just because they are there? Just wondering.
Paul and I made soap this weekend. This is always a fascinating process for me. We take lard, coconut oil, water, lye, goat milk and fragrances, mix it all up and we get soap. We made us enough goat milk soap to last a year or more. I don't even care if it saves money or not. We made it ourselves, in our kitchen. We make soap. How cool is that!
And last week, Larry made my whole lifetime. Larry wrote in an email to Paul, "Give Louise a hug for me." I cried. I cried because I know that he loves me. It was one of the sweetest things he has ever said to or about me. I cried. I am crying now. Being a step-parent is exceedingly difficult and you wonder if you and the children will ever love each other completely. It isn't the Brady Bunch. That love isn't automatically there and it doesn't grow in three episodes. I have been in his life 11 years now and we have a mother/son/friend/mentor relationship. And it pleases me to no end. I love Larry and Brandon so very much, as if they were my own. It is amazing to feel the love from their end. Wow.
And now for the knee. You had to know I was going to mention it. It hurts so much that it makes me cry. Tomorrow is the bone scan. I follow-up with the doctor next week to get the results of that and my blood tests. I know what one option is and I don't even want to think about it. It scares me that much. Please pray that Dr. Tennant is blessed with the knowledge of all possibilities. Please. I am very scared.
Love to all.
