Mom is better...
My mom is doing better. She is having to learn to take things easier and not cram everything into one day. The doctor says it will be a long recovery from the pneumonia given her other health issues and her age. She is doing better though. It is going to get better.
I have started pulling out the things that are bothering me and letting go if I need to. I spent Tuesday night crying. It is okay to cry. I have also learned that it is okay to say no, not only to my manager at work but to life. I don't have to deal with everything at once. It is going to take time for me to come to grips with what is going on but that is okay too.
We are cleaning out the house and getting ready to move. We are going to have a huge garage sale to get rid of stuff. If it doesn't sell, it goes to Goodwill. I am not moving stuff I haven't used in years. We are being very space conscious as we make decisions. It is sort of liberating to decide we can live with less than we have.
I have also been talking to God. I woke up feeling as if I were in his arms and he is holding me through everything. I can do everything through God who strengthens me. I am learning to give those problems to him and let him guide me through the storm. I am trying very hard to listen to what he says. I had a dream the other night. I am trying to decipher what it means.
Dad and Annie, thanks so much for your support and love. I can't do this without you.
Love and hugs.
What a week it was
The stress finally got to me. On Wednesday afternoon, I was dizzy, light-headed and have a horrible time staying in this reality. I eventually got wheeled out of my office in a wheelchair (which I don't think was necessary but everyone else did). I attended Sandy's funeral exactly one week after attending Jimmy's. It was hard. I took Thursday and Friday off for some rest and relaxation at the insistence of my manager who thought I was crazy for wanting to work at all.
My mom got out of the hospital but at last call was getting worse instead of better. 96 pounds. I need to lose that much weight.
I finally feel like the stress is under control but with a very tight bulging lid. I can't deal with any of my issues individually which is what I need to do. Everytime I pull something out, the whole dang can explodes all over again. So right now, it is me keeping a lid on things until I can figure out how to deal with them. I hate having chronic depression and chronic pain.
Paul and I had our hair cut on Saturday which is always a great stress reliever. I love it when someone else washes my hair. It feels so decadent.
My mom
All I can do is asked for continued prayer at this point. Mom is in the hospital because she has pneumonia, is anemic and isn't eating or drinking. She is dehydrated and weighs all of 99 pounds right now. As much as I want to believe that everything is going to be okay, I am having a hard time putting faith in it. You may remember that when my grandfather was admitted to the hospital in Denver for the same reasons (minus the pneumonia) and everyone assured me that it was going to be okay, he died. Oh how I need to believe.
And the bad news continues
My manager came into my office around 11:30 this morning to tell me that a friend and co-worker had died yesterday from a heart attack caused by a blood cot. I cried like I have never cried at work. It is too much to deal with. Sandy will be missed by many at Intel. She had been with the company for almost 30 years.
As I mourn yet another loss, I begin to believe that this lesson is that we all die. Celebrate life here and now. Tomorrow may be too late.
The sadness is worse today
I knew Jimmy for 11 short years. He showed us all how to live and how to die. I miss him. I miss Betty. I miss all those who have gone before. I want to live my life with such grace and dignity. I want my heart to shine out in love to everyone. But today, the shine isn't there. It's fake at its best. Maybe it is because my mom has pneumonia, a sinus infection, anemia and isn't eating. I pray for her healing. My dad sounds very worried for the first time. I am afraid. I can't take another loss. I just can't. Doesn't God know that I can't handle anymore? Must the envelope always be pushed?
Good-bye, Jimmy. You were well loved and will forever be in my heart. And to Jon, Cec and Natalie, I love you so dearly. I will always be here for you. Please know that you live in my thoughts, my prayers and in my heart.
Life is weird
Weird I can live with. Depressing, I cannot. And certainly, after the events of the last week, I can say life could be very depressing.
We have to move. We don't have a choice. We are being kicked out of our home in the name of progress. The trailer park has been sold to a group that is turning it into retail space, office space and townhomes. We found out when we got home from work on Tuesday. There was the ominous envelope in the mailbox. It wasn't Ronda's lawyer so we knew we weren't being asked for even more child support.
It didn't seem real at first. This is our home. We have made it our home. I take pride in my rose garden. I enjoy it. I love this place. Sure, it's a mobile home but it is our home. They offered us $5K if we get out by February. Not upfront, of course, we get the money the day we leave. The trailer can't be moved. We can't sell it. It is worth nothing now, except to the county tax assessor. It still doesn't seem real.
We went looking at apartments today. They aren't the same as my home. I am going to have to get over that part. Nothing is going to be the same as our home. Yes, we had plans to move out in two years but that was our plan, not someone else's. Now is God's plan. We can't afford to buy a place so we are stuck back in apartment land. 41 years old and moving into an apartment. Yippee-ye-ki-ay.
I am so very sad. And then, we got the news about Jimmy. I am even more sad. I pray for his continued health and for peace. I pray for peace a lot. God, please bless Jim, Cec, Nat and Jon. Hold them and surround them in your loving embrace.
Louise
