It's 3:00 a.m.
Yes, I can't sleep. I had a migraine which ended up so severe that I went to the emergency room. There I was given an IV dose of Compazine which made my stomach feel better but not my head. I was then given a shot of morphine. It helped ease the pain but the headache was still really bad. Then I was given an IV dose of Dilaudid (sp?). That worked so they handed me some vicodin and sent me home with instructions to take 2 when I got home.
I took those two plus my other medications that are supposed to help me sleep. Yet, here I am wide awake at 3 in the morning. Most people would have been knocked out by any of the drugs mentioned above. Not me, though. No, I take enough sleep causing drugs to keep an elephant asleep and I still can't sleep. How rotten is that?
Besides the headache, I had a great day. My boss gave me a high priority project that I finished well ahead of schedule. I was just humming right along at work as happy as could be. Yes, I said happy. I was laughing. I was joking. I was on a roll. I was feeling great. Then, the great pain message went to the brain and once again I was crying. So, yes, pain does cause depression.
Either way, I am on some happy drugs now. Vicodin can make me loopy and it has once again. I don't know that it kills the pain but it does make me not give a rat's patootie that I am in pain. Drugs are interesting that way.
Someone asked about my award. I won the Intel Administrative Excellence Award, the highest award an admin can win at Intel. I am working on a project to train and develop other HR admins. It has gone really well and has brought me to the realization that God has me where I am for a reason. I don't know what it is yet but I do know that it must be a great one. God really is good to Paul and me.
Sapphire kitty is laying on my legs right now. She is perplexed as to why I am up. But then again, so am I.
Brandon and Larry are having a gathering of friends at our place tonight. We are going to have a Mexican dinner. I am making tortilla stack-ups. We have all the fixings like salsa, chips, avocados, sour cream, and bagged salsa salad. We ordered an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. It will be a great time if I am awake for it. Well, I have to be awake to make dinner. Larry and Brandon love tortilla stackups. If you want the recipe let me know. It is super easy.
Later I will tell you all about my new lifestyle coach from the Mayo Clinic as well about my efforts to get healthier and stay that way.
Come Monday It Will Be Alright
I woke up today feeling better than I had in some time. I think crying myself to sleep last week and finally letting go of Betty may have been the turning point in this depression. I am still very sad over the loss. I still miss my Butterball like there is no tomorrow. But, something has changed.
I finished reading a book this weekend. Did I mention this before? My therapist gave me homework of which part was to finish the book I have been reading for the last 4 months. It never takes me this long to finish a book. It was just the energy required wasn't there. So, I finished it. Loretta was right. I did feel better. I felt so much better that I started another one and only have 60 pages left. Granted, it is a short book. I am reading the first in the CS Lewis series on Narnia. Somehow, this one had escaped my attention and I am thrilled to learn about the birth of Narnia. I am excited to be getting back in touch with this side of myself. I guess reading really is for mentals.
It was 66 in Oregon today. Wow! The sun was out. There is a breeze in the air. I think spring might have arrived just in time to perk me up. I see that my roses are busy in their spring growth. The first flowers will simply take my breath away. And, I think my pain will start to ease as the chill leaves the air. There is hope in spring and I feel it in my spirit. Despite all that can be wrong physically, I love and am loved. That will be enough to get me through tomorrow.
Family and friends, I love you.
I Miss You
I don't think recovery from this depression is going to be a quick one. Sometimes I know when I have turned the corner but every time I even see the corner something else goes wrong. I don't mean something small either. I mean something big.
Friday, March 17, 2006, marked the death of our 11 year old cat, Butterball. I had taken the day off to rest, relax and rejuvenate. Everyone around me said I needed a day like that. I had planned to do nothing more than get up and let the day unfold. I had an idea that I would finish the homework the therapist gave me. Nothing huge. I just need to finish the last few pages of a book I haven't finished. I can't seem to find the energy to pick it up and finish it. Considering that I love to read, this is rather odd. We thought if I could just pick it up, I would find my passion for reading again. Who knows? That might kick start my passion for life.
But, I digress. I got out of bed at an absolutely lazy 10:00 in the morning. The first thing I noticed was the absence of Butterball from his usual spot on the bed. I went to find him. He was in none of his usual haunts. I looked under the kitchen sink, on top of the sofa, in the computer chair and in his chair. He wasn't there. He was hiding in my closet. He had opened the door and was hiding in there. That is when I knew, I knew I would remember this day always.
After frantic phone calls to my husband and friend, my friend and I managed to wrangle Butterball to the Dove Lewis Animal Hospital. (If you are an animal lover, please consider Dove Lewis in Portland, OR as a wonderful place to donate money.) The vet at first said it was possible a bladder infection. I knew it wasn't that.
After digital radiographs (which are for another post), the doctor spoke with me. Butterball appeared to have lymphoma. He needed an ultrasound to be sure. I said please. I wanted to know what was wrong with my precious orange tabby. He recommended I go home and wait for news there. I then knew that it wasn't going to get better.
I am a horrible person when it comes to waiting on news. Time seemed to freeze. The clock didn't tick. Every second seemed a lifetime. Finally, at 6:00 the news came in. Butterball had lymphoblastic lymphoma. He had a large abdominal mass and his lymph nodes were septic. They needed one more test to see if he could be treated.
The long and short of it is that he could not. He was in pain and he was going to die. I left the ultimate decision to Paul because I wasn't strong enough to make it. Those last minutes that Butterball were in our lives were the most heartbreaking moments I have ever had with a pet. He is in God's hands now. He is with Betty keeping her company while she waits for the rest of us to come home. Love can heal all wounds and it does take time.
I miss you, Butterball. I miss you too, Mom. Love to all.
Mondays are Mondays
I don't think I have ever had a Monday that didn't feel like a Monday. In fact, except for the weekend part, this Monday feels like last Friday. Not much changes around here. Not much changes around anywhere it seems.
Depression looms heavy on my mind. It seems like I will always be depressed which is just more depressing. I know it won't last forever but it certainly feels like it will. What are you supposed to do with that? Sure, I take anti-depressants but they aren't keeping me from being depressed. I wonder what they are doing. All those drugs and I still can't sleep at night. I take what should knock out a herd of elephants to no avail. I wake up as tired as when I went to bed.
Do you remember in the 70's and 80's when people would be suffering from exhaustion? I think I am exhausted but nobody gets treated for it anymore. You just keep being exhausted which makes you tired which makes you not want to move which makes you be in pain which makes you depressed which makes you exhausted... See where I am headed with this? I am just tired and depressed and I feel wrong. I feel really, really wrong.
Thank goodness Paul is in my life. He keeps me going. I know that he will make me laugh on my worst of days. Not many people experience the love I have with him in my life. It's odd. I feel guilty for feeling depressed when there are people that would die to have half of what I have in this world. Possessions don't make you happy. I don't even have a lot of possessions. I just don't want to be depressed anymore. Stupid brain chemicals
Friday Afternoon
There are days that seem to last forever and this has been one of them. After two weeks of working myself almost to illness, this week has just crawled by. I realize that I love the stressful part of my job. It brings excitement and a huge sense of accomplishment.
The article on the award I received hit the airwaves today. I didn't understand the full impact of the award until I started getting mail from up the management chain. This one is all about personal pride in my work. I am proud of what I do and how I do it. I have enjoyed the last year on a professional level.
Makes you wonder why I am depressed, doesn't it? Why do I need a therapist. I tell ya. It seems when one part of your life is soaring another part is bringing you such grief that you don't even know how to express it. I miss Betty very much. She was the best mother-in-law a girl could ever have wanted. And Dad, I fash over him a lot. He doesn't know it. His grief is unbearable for me. I feel it on the deepest of levels.
And, then, there's the pain. I am in constant pain these days. I am so tired of being in pain, so very tired of it. Paul keeps me going with love and plenty of laughter. Maybe some other day I will tell you about the things we laugh about. I count my blessings everyday but it doesn't take the pain away. Nothing does that. It doesn't seem like all the medicine in the world will do that. Each day, I get out of bed and wonder what is going to hurt the most today. Will I get a migraine? Will my knee shoot out that excruciating pain that can stop me mid-stride? Will my hand ache with each click of the mouse? I just don't know. I only know that it is another day I get to spend married to Paul, being a member of a great extended family and working at something I enjoy doing.
Well, I think that will do it for now.
